Making a Mess out of the Message

Hi Everyone,

I recently heard a conversation on The View between Robin Roberts and the ladies about her breast cancer diagnosis. One of her life lessons is that you can always "Make your mess your message."

I think that has significant impact for each of us. Without doubt, each of us goes through trials and tribulations in this life. Whether it's a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or panic and anxiety attacks, we are each given an opportunity to turn our tests into our testimony.

I've been thinking about that "mess into a message" comment a lot the past few days. I wonder how many times I've managed to turn the message into a mess? Have I lost opportunities to share my story? Have I forgotten to give praise for the storms? Do my actions, my sins, my failures turn the possibility of using the message of my life into nothing more than a huge mess? Is it possible to turn the message into a mess?

I'll be honest; I've really been struggling lately. I have had some great weeks that have had successes in them. I've gone out in public to some restaurants and not run out after the first five minutes. I've gone to a meeting at a restaurant and stayed several hours and was the last to leave. Even made it to the grocery store to stock up on what I needed to make a yummy veggie beef soup for my parents a few weekends ago. Counseling with Teresa has been wonderful; we've really touched on a lot of stuff, starting that healing process that I've so needed. I've felt so good about myself and how things have been going.

This past Monday was a great day. Mom and I did a TON of campaign travelling and errands. It was just such a wonderful day. I got home around 1 and decided to run out to the grocery store to pick up a few things when the bottom dropped out. I was in the store with a few things in hand, realized I wasn't breathing well, started feeling like my legs were going out from under me and knew what was happening. I threw the food on a table (sorry MP Food Lion) and tried to get out as quickly as I could, while grabbing for my cell phone to try and call Mom (Thank God she answered), and get to my phone. I had to get out of there....panic attack waiting to happen. When I got to the car, I noticed my hands were trembling like crazy. Luckily, my grandmother lives only about a minute from the Food Lion, so I headed to her house to lay down and try and get out of the panic.

I made it there, and she gave me some water, and I laid down. I will say that, with some time, I was able to talk myself down, so I don't think I had a "full blown" panic attack, although I was really scared. I knew I couldn't drive well, so Mom came and got me. We stayed at my grandmother's house a few hours and just rested, talked and got a bite to eat. In time, I was able to drive to my house. Then, Mom drove me to Teresa's and we had a great session. We talked about a few things that may have led to what happened.

The scary thing is just that this happens completely out of the blue; no warning. That's what makes me want to cry--there's such a helpless feeling in realizing that your body might attack you just out of the blue....you can be in the car, a restaurant, at home, or obviously at the Food Lion.

So, does this example of going back to having another attack make a mess of my message? I hope not. Maybe it just serves to show me that I'm not as healed or as far along as I would like to be. Teresa has encouraged me to continue to just accept that "I am where I am". She sees a lot of work being done, a lot of healing, and she said that I'm on the "fast track". Too funny---I feel like at times that I'm never going to come out of this; still struggle with times where I'd just like to cave in.

But if we have to walk through the mess to have the message and if we have to go through the tests to have the testimony, I guess I will begin the process of accepting that this is my mess and my test.

This leads to you...those faithful readers and people that I love: please continue your prayers. Don't forget about me!! I'm still here and I still need you. Your words of encouragement and comfort mean so so much to me.

Please pray over the next few weeks in particular for peace during the last weeks of the election cycle. There's so much to do, so much unnecessary responsibility I place on myself, and so much that I'm trying to learn about not defining my self-worth on my accomplishments (or failures). This is just a really rough time to be learning all these life lessons. So please keep me in your prayers as I seek God's leading and guidance for my life as well.

I love you all,
Kara