Authentic. \au-then-tik\ adjective. From Latin, meaning worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact; not false or imitation; true to one’s own personality, spirit or character.
Have you ever had one of those lightning bolt moments? One of those unique moments in time where everything seems to stop as a ray of enlightenment hits you? Better yet, has something you’ve always believed been challenged to the point that you see your previous beliefs might not be the essential “truth” as you’ve known it?
I had one of those moments recently, courtesy of my Mom. We were chatting on the phone as we do each night, and we were talking about a good friend of mine who is going through some relational issues. She told me something to the effect that it was a shame that he and I never were anything more than really good friends. I thought about it for a second, but quickly shot back that it wouldn’t have worked out, “we just don’t share a lot of the same hobbies and interests”. As only a Mom can, she asked me very candidly, “How do you know you don’t like doing some of the things he does? You’ve never tried them before.”
Ok, OUCH!! Guilty as charged. Lock me up and throw away the key. I hated to really look at what she said and the truth behind her question. See, Mom is right…as she is with a lot of things. For so long, I’ve lived a life in a victim’s mentality, ashamed of my past, fearful of the unknown, trying to hide from anyone and anything that threatened my “status quo”. Wow, typing this is really difficult! If confession is good for the soul, and I believe that it is, then it’s about time my soul started rejoicing today!!
In the short 39 years of my life, just a few of the highlights (or lowlights) of hiding due to insecurities include:
· Not applying to the college of my dreams (UNC) because I was afraid I might be rejected. (In years since then, I know that I probably would not have been, but that fear held me back, nonetheless.)
· Hmmmm, I now realize that excuse up there was what I TOLD myself. Oh Lord, this is difficult. The real, 100% honest to gospel truth is that I didn’t want to show up to Chapel Hill in a bathing suit. A what, you might ask? Yeah, there it is. I said it. A bathing suit. At Carolina, all incoming Freshmen in those days had to pass a swimming test to be admitted, or that became your first Phys Ed class. At 18 years old, and looking like I thought I did in a bathing suit….I was NOT going to let that happen. Heck, these legs haven’t seen the light of day since I was about 12! So my dreams of being a Tar Heel and receiving my degree from UNC never saw the light of day because of my own insecurities.
· I didn’t go to my high school prom because I didn’t have a date. Going dateless is not such a bad thing at all….great that I realize it now, huh? I would definitely encourage anyone who’s a Junior or Senior in high school to GO to prom, regardless of whether you have a date or go with a group of friends. Life’s too short to worry about what others think, but you could never have sold that line to me up until about 2 years ago. Sad, really!
· Since most of my insecurities that I’ve dealt with in the past stem around weight issues and body image, let’s just get that one on the table too. Recently, I make a flip comment via text to a friend about having to go get my “glamour on”, and how that would take a minor miracle for me to do. (I’m so great at encouraging myself, aren’t I?) He immediately texted back, “YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF”. Yes, that is certainly the truth. Hearing it from others is incredibly encouraging. Hearing it to the depths of my being has been a struggle my entire life.
Do you show up in life? Are you authentically present in every situation? I’ve started wondering about that recently. Do I show up with the real Kara when I meet people, or am I a shell of the real person who’s hiding inside behind a mask of insecurities? Does the real Kara peek out from time to time? What does she look like? Who is she even?
What once was a very successful coping mechanism—my weight—I now realize is just a shell that has only served to limit me in my adult years. It also served to inscribe on my heart a great sense of worthlessness as a child and teenager. That shell no longer helps protect me from what I, as a child with a child’s mind, deemed to be dangerous, and it’s time to unleash the real person inside the shell.
I think I’ve always had glimpses of the real me: I’m creative, have a poet’s soul, am intelligent, funny and witty, a person of deep faith, a true friend to my friends, an encourager, compassionate, loving, and probably a number of other things that I won’t waste your time reading! But I also have fears, I question myself and life, I crawl into my cave when I feel lonely, I doubt my abilities at times, I wonder “why” an awful lot, and I question my calling in life.
The answers to those questions lie in the word authenticity. I want to be a person who reflects Christ's love on a daily basis to my family, my friends, co-workers, and strangers on the street. But I can't do that without the willingness to meet life head on as my true, authentic self. So, look out world....a new Kara has been surfacing for the past two years! It's time for the butterfly to escape her cocoon and emerge so she can fly.
Do Good Things,
Kara
No comments:
Post a Comment