Prelude to a Miracle

Hey Bloggers!

Months ago, when this blog first began, I promised you 100% authenticity. I said I'd be completely honest with how things were going in life, in my struggles (once again) with panic, and where I was on the journey toward wholeness and restoration.

So, in that promise, I'll share what's going on today. On the way in to the office, I began to feel those incredibly difficult, yet familiar feelings. The mind racing, the feelings of helplessness, the overwhelming urge to run toward safety. I truly would not wish this experience on the worst of my enemies. Well, maybe on Bin Laden, but that's another story.

I'm at the office, trying desperately to practice all those relaxation techniques that you learn along the way through therapy, online message boards, and discussions with friends and family. Deep breathing, slowly in through the nose, out through the mouth. Tensing up your fists for a few seconds and releasing them. Teresa even suggested "checking in with your toes" to see how they're doing. (I guess to get your mind on something other than the panicky thoughts.) I'm honestly grateful that no one's really around. I'm busying myself with some mindless work that doesn't require a lot of thought. That's a really good thing right now, because I'm not really sure I could put 2 and 2 together! My prayer is to survive and make it the whole day and not have to run home.

But here's the problem. Every time I experience this again, I begin to beat myself up, because I feel as if I'm taking another tremendous leap backwards. Why does this continue to happen? Why can't I move beyond this? Where is the healing that came so many years ago when this happened in college? Why me again? Why this again?

I just read a quote that I'm going to hold on to for a while: "We have to pray with our eyes on God and not on the difficulties." God bless Oswald Chambers, "Uncle O", as my friend John calls him. I always find myself focusing on the problem...the difficulties instead of on how great and powerful my God is. For some reason, the phrase "prelude to a miracle" came to mind. I truly hope that this is what all these experiences have been the past several months, a prelude to MY miracle!

Continue Praying as I Continue Journeying,
Kara

The Song Remembers When

Hey Everyone!

Sorry that it's been a while since I've been on here. Work has been literally crazy, and I'll admit that I've just recently joined the network of millions of others who are connecting with one another on Facebook. (More on that in a bit.)

Several years ago, Trisha Yearwood recorded a song called "The Song Remembers When". The lyrics describe how a particular song triggers her to go back in time to when she was in a relationship and then think about all that comes with that, both the good times and the bad. Feel free to watch the video, then rejoin me as we look at some of the lyrics.

The first verse begins the story: "I was standin' at the counter. I was waitin' for the change. When I heard that old familiar music start. It was like a lighted match had been tossed into my soul . It was like a dam had broken in my heart. After taking ev'ry detour, gettin' lost and losin' track so that even if I wanted, I could not find my way back. After drivin' out the mem'ry of the way things might have been, after I'd forgotten all about us, the song remembers when.

(Bridge:)I guess somethin' must have happened, and we must have said goodbye, and my heart must have been broken, though I can't recall just why. The song remembers when. Well, for all the miles between us, and for all the time that's passed, you would think I haven't gotten very far. And I hope my hasty heart will forgive me just this once if I stop to wonder how on earth you are. But that's just a lot of water underneath a bridge I burned. And there's no use in backtrackin' around corners I have turned. Still I guess some things we bury are just bound to rise again, for even if the whole world has forgotten, the song remembers when. Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten, the song remembers when."

Whew! A lot of lyrics, I realize. This was a HUGE hit for Trisha, and it is one that I love. Do you have one of "those" songs? The song that ended your prom. The song you danced to at your wedding. I hadn't really given it a lot of thought for some time....until yesterday that is. Through the magic of Facebook, I had one of those "song remembers when" moments. I had a few friend requests sitting in my messages area. I clicked on and accepted all but one....THE one. This name that came out of nowhere. The one that sent all those memories flooding back, making me relive and recount so much that had gone on in my life over the past several years that he was a part of them....Darryl. The name I haven't spoken, talked to, or been a part of his life for several years now. Years with no contact will certainly drive the memories away, that is, until the song remembers.

I'm not about to bore any of you with details of who he is, what he meant to me, our past history together (and apart), but I wonder if you've had those moments? Is there a song, a scent, a location, a "whatever" in your past that drives you back to a moment in time that makes you think of the choices you've made (good and bad)? How is it that certain things are so ingrained in our memories, but I can't tell you what I had for dinner last night? (Ok, well it was really steamed veggies & rice, but you get my point!)

Talk about water under bridges burned....those memories flood back and remind me of where I was eight years ago or so when we first met. How different I am today. How much I've learned about boundaries, safe people, being trust worthy enough to earn access to another's heart...so many important life skills and lessons.

Do you think it's those hard times, those times when we get knocked down or have our hearts broken that we learn the most about ourselves? I think that must be the case. But, I think the important thing is that we DO learn them. Who said something about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome? How many times in life does God allow us to learn a lesson, only to test us to make sure we've actually learned the lesson?

I suppose this might seem a bit like I'm rambling today, but isn't processing fabulous??!! Yes, my heart wonders "how on earth" he is. I guess through the magic of Facebook, some day I'll learn. But he'll meet a completely different Kara this time. This time, I know who I am. I know what I will accept in my life and what I won't. He'll meet a woman who, though far from perfect, is learning how to love herself more perfectly. A woman who, thanks to God and some awesome friends, including many of you who read this blog, is grateful for the years of wisdom and love showered upon her. A woman who now realizes that she doesn't NEED a man to fill her up and make her FEEL loved, appreciated or worthy. (YAYYYY!!!) A much more humbled woman and one who is not backtrackin' around too many corners these days.

So, even if the whole world has forgotten, yes, the song remembers when.

Love Ya'll to Pieces,

Kara