Donnie

As this is Memorial Day weekend, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to fail to recognize and remember my cousin, Staff Sergeant Donald M. Shue. Donnie was a member of the Army's Green Berets during Viet Nam. In November of 1969, he disappeared after being overrun by enemy troops as he and two other Americans were on a covert operation inside of Laos. His family never heard from him again, and many years later, he was designated as "Presumed Killed in Action".

Several months ago, we got word that a Laotian farmer and his son had been working a field and came across some old bones and various other remains. Calls were made to the US Embassy and to the Army, and a retrieval team came and returned the remains to the US to await identification. Our family was notified, and now we're waiting on his sister to get the test results. Forty years later........

How I pray we get to bring him home and give him a proper burial as he deserves. Thank you, Donnie, for the ultimate sacrifice you gave to protect our nation. The world is less bright for having lost your light.

What If....

Kleenex Alert: This may get a little bit sappy!

Last week, a friend of mine told me I absolutely had to go see the new movie "Letters to Juliet". Now, typically, being told to go see a chick flick that you know is going to be one of those love stories that makes your heart all a'flutter isn't out of the realm of the ordinary for me. However, THIS time was special. The friend that made the recommendation? A man! Yep, loyal readers, you heard me right....a M-A-N, honest to goodness, red blooded, hard workin', American MAN! He loved the movie, said there was a moment of extreme profundity (never used that word before...it means "profound" or it was DEEP!), and told me to be prepared with the Kleenex.

So, last Thursday, to escape the craziness of the world, I went to the theater. Bag of popcorn and Diet Coke in hand, I walked into the theater where 11 other women were preparing to be whisked away to the beauty and majesty of Tuscany. (I SO know where I want to go on my honeymoon if I ever have one. More on that comment a bit later.)

I'm not about to spoil the plot for you if you've not seen it, but the truth is, there's not that much of a plot....it's one of those "boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, 50 years go by, will boy and girl be reunited" type stories.

My friend told me to listen for two words in particular that were profound, and that we would discuss their meaning afterwards. Watching the movie, I kept waiting for these magical two words that were going to change my life. This went on for over an hour and I got nothing! I honestly thought I would have to go back to him and say, "I guess I'm a dunce...I didn't catch them." But, I trusted him. He said it would be rather obvious if I paid attention.

Near the very end of the movie, those two words hit me like a ton of bricks, and for more reasons than my friend could possibly have known.

WHAT IF?

Oh goodness. If I could tell each of you how many times I've used those two words in my life, and if I had a dollar for each time I've used them, I'd BE in Tuscany!! In the movie, "what if" is described as two words which, when separated, have very little value. Put them together, and they signify much more. I've known this to be true for many of my adult years.

As most of you know, I've spent many years struggling (while in college and in more recent years) with panic attacks. When fears come at you like the wind to assail your mind and your spirit, honestly, you feel tossed to and fro. When you allow those fears to begin to take over, you begin to worry about all the "what ifs" in life.....here are what a few of mine look and looked like:

• What if I go out with friends, start to have a panic attack, need to leave and then ruin everyone's night out?
• What if I go to class and in the middle of the professor's lecture, I have to get up and leave, and then I look stupid?
• What if I get out on 85 and there's a wreck? I'll be trapped and can't escape.
• What if I trust someone and they break my heart?
• What if I try to do something I've never done before only to look like an idiot?
• What if I fail?
• What if I succeed?

What if? What If? WHAT IF?? AAARRRGGGHHHH STOP THE MADNESS!!!

In the movie, "what if" was placed together to pose the question of "what if we dare to dream and dreams really do come true?" Or, "what if you never take the chance to love, and it passes you by?" "What if the things we've longed for really are possible in our lives?" "What if?"

My friend was right, and I'm eternally grateful to him for helping me look for the two words in a new light. As we were talking about the movie and I was crying, sharing why those words were so profound to me (he hadn't learned about the history of the panic stuff yet), he asked me a really great question: "Isn't it great that God has now been able to redeem those two words for you so that the next time you start to think "what if" in a bad way, you can now counter it with asking the same question in an affirming way?"

God, thank You for great friends who cause me to think and to look at You in a whole new way. So, my dear friend, you know who you are. I've thanked you before, and I will again here. May God truly bless you as you ponder your "what ifs".....I've shared mine with you, so I can't wait to hear more of yours, too!

OH! And as for where I'd like to go on my honeymoon, well, "what if"???

What If........

"You See the Real Me"

Authentic. \au-then-tik\ adjective. From Latin, meaning worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact; not false or imitation; true to one’s own personality, spirit or character.

Have you ever had one of those lightning bolt moments? One of those unique moments in time where everything seems to stop as a ray of enlightenment hits you? Better yet, has something you’ve always believed been challenged to the point that you see your previous beliefs might not be the essential “truth” as you’ve known it?

I had one of those moments recently, courtesy of my Mom. We were chatting on the phone as we do each night, and we were talking about a good friend of mine who is going through some relational issues. She told me something to the effect that it was a shame that he and I never were anything more than really good friends. I thought about it for a second, but quickly shot back that it wouldn’t have worked out, “we just don’t share a lot of the same hobbies and interests”. As only a Mom can, she asked me very candidly, “How do you know you don’t like doing some of the things he does? You’ve never tried them before.”

Ok, OUCH!! Guilty as charged. Lock me up and throw away the key. I hated to really look at what she said and the truth behind her question. See, Mom is right…as she is with a lot of things. For so long, I’ve lived a life in a victim’s mentality, ashamed of my past, fearful of the unknown, trying to hide from anyone and anything that threatened my “status quo”. Wow, typing this is really difficult! If confession is good for the soul, and I believe that it is, then it’s about time my soul started rejoicing today!!

In the short 39 years of my life, just a few of the highlights (or lowlights) of hiding due to insecurities include:

· Not applying to the college of my dreams (UNC) because I was afraid I might be rejected. (In years since then, I know that I probably would not have been, but that fear held me back, nonetheless.)

· Hmmmm, I now realize that excuse up there was what I TOLD myself. Oh Lord, this is difficult. The real, 100% honest to gospel truth is that I didn’t want to show up to Chapel Hill in a bathing suit. A what, you might ask? Yeah, there it is. I said it. A bathing suit. At Carolina, all incoming Freshmen in those days had to pass a swimming test to be admitted, or that became your first Phys Ed class. At 18 years old, and looking like I thought I did in a bathing suit….I was NOT going to let that happen. Heck, these legs haven’t seen the light of day since I was about 12! So my dreams of being a Tar Heel and receiving my degree from UNC never saw the light of day because of my own insecurities.

· I didn’t go to my high school prom because I didn’t have a date. Going dateless is not such a bad thing at all….great that I realize it now, huh? I would definitely encourage anyone who’s a Junior or Senior in high school to GO to prom, regardless of whether you have a date or go with a group of friends. Life’s too short to worry about what others think, but you could never have sold that line to me up until about 2 years ago. Sad, really!

· Since most of my insecurities that I’ve dealt with in the past stem around weight issues and body image, let’s just get that one on the table too. Recently, I make a flip comment via text to a friend about having to go get my “glamour on”, and how that would take a minor miracle for me to do. (I’m so great at encouraging myself, aren’t I?) He immediately texted back, “YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF”. Yes, that is certainly the truth. Hearing it from others is incredibly encouraging. Hearing it to the depths of my being has been a struggle my entire life.

Do you show up in life? Are you authentically present in every situation? I’ve started wondering about that recently. Do I show up with the real Kara when I meet people, or am I a shell of the real person who’s hiding inside behind a mask of insecurities? Does the real Kara peek out from time to time? What does she look like? Who is she even?

What once was a very successful coping mechanism—my weight—I now realize is just a shell that has only served to limit me in my adult years. It also served to inscribe on my heart a great sense of worthlessness as a child and teenager. That shell no longer helps protect me from what I, as a child with a child’s mind, deemed to be dangerous, and it’s time to unleash the real person inside the shell.

I think I’ve always had glimpses of the real me: I’m creative, have a poet’s soul, am intelligent, funny and witty, a person of deep faith, a true friend to my friends, an encourager, compassionate, loving, and probably a number of other things that I won’t waste your time reading! But I also have fears, I question myself and life, I crawl into my cave when I feel lonely, I doubt my abilities at times, I wonder “why” an awful lot, and I question my calling in life.

The answers to those questions lie in the word authenticity. I want to be a person who reflects Christ's love on a daily basis to my family, my friends, co-workers, and strangers on the street. But I can't do that without the willingness to meet life head on as my true, authentic self. So, look out world....a new Kara has been surfacing for the past two years! It's time for the butterfly to escape her cocoon and emerge so she can fly.

Do Good Things,
Kara