Random Thought...Shout out to Steak and Shake!

Ok, so this is a weird thing. One of those random thoughts that hit you every now and again, and though it has no redeeming value whatsoever in my journey towards healing and restoration, it's just a cool thing! So, I'm sharing it!!

I went to grab a kids' meal at Steak and Shake and ordered my usual large Sprite. For those of you who don't know, Sprites don't have caffeine in them, and for someone who is predisposed to being a bit jumpy and nervous, you don't need the extra caffeiene! After placing my order, I noticed on the sign that they serve, "No! It can't be!! Is it? It really is!!"....CAFFEINE FREE DIET COKE!! WOOOO HOOOOOO!!

That's the first drive in or restaurant that I've seen that carries a caffeine free drink other than a Sprite or something like that. So, like I said, nothing of huge significance, but Yayyyy Steak & Shake!!

"Reminiscing"....Anyone Remember who Sang That?

Hey Everyone,

I just sent an email to a friend, encouraging him to read my blog from beginning to end, so I decided that it might be time that I do so myself. It's been about 3 months since I started this beautiful blog, and I thought I'd do a bit of reminiscing.

In my second post, I found it. I called myself a victim. A victim of childhood sexual abuse, and it hit me like a lead balloon. So, it's time to change my verbage. I am NOT a victim....I am a SURVIVOR!! Something happened to me as a child that I did not choose, but as an adult, I DO get to choose how I look at the experiences of my life.

NO LONGER will I choose to define myself as a victim. That implies helplessness, and for goodness' sakes, I'm 37 years old, so I am far from helpless. For those of you who are on this same path with me, you will understand that something inside of you will feel forever damaged, scarred and weary. But by no means helpless.

If "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", then that is the very antithesis of the word helpless or victim. I am a survivor....oh gosh, now I hear Beyonce singin' in my ears. Now if I could look like her........wow.....and now I'm hearing a song from The Man of La Mancha that Don Quixote sang..."To dream the impossible dream"....

Do Good Things,
Kara

A Return Visit to The Shack

Hey Everyone!

I'm sharing a copy of The Shack with a friend at work, and it got me thinking about some of the lessons I learned in reading the book, and I want to share them with you. As you know, I've been battling panic attacks and fear/worry/etc. since college. Truth be told, you can wade back into the inner recesses of my life, way back into childhood, and see times that I allowed fear to keep me from doing things in elementary school, so I guess fear has been like a constant companion my entire life. As God is healing me and teaching me during this season, I truly believe that He used The Shack to teach me a few more lessons. If you haven't read the book, please, please go buy a copy (and get one for a friend who needs to read the truths included as well).

This is Papa (God) talking to the main character, Mack. This SO applies to my life and I'll share how after the quote.

"When I dwell with you, I do so in the present--I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"

Well, everyone, that defines a panic attack just waiting to happen. When I spend so much of my time imagining the future, what will come, what might happen, etc., I am imagining a future without God. We're told in Scripture that He never leaves us or forsakes us. We're told He knows the plans He has for our future, and that they are for our good. We're told to be strong and courageous. We're even told that He goes before us to fight our battles FOR us!!

I think what Papa is trying to encourage Mack, and each of us as readers, is to remember that when we move into worrying about "what if", we need to remember that, even in the midst of the worst "what ifs" we can imagine, GOD IS WITH US!! Ya'll, I have spent so many moments worried about what might happen. I've cried buckets and buckets of tears thinking about what could happen, but Papa is right, I never pictured Jesus walking with me through the "what if". If He's right there with me, what have I to fear? His presence, living and active and within me is what brings comfort and peace to my mind and my heart. Now, for a little bit more of The Shack:

"Why do I do that?" asked Mack. "It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."

I stand guilty of those charges! In my fear, I've tried to gain control over the thing that I fear. Can we have control over the future? We may think we can. Oh my goodness the things I've avoided doing, for fear of something happening that probably never would. Most of you know how much I don't like to travel anymore, especially on Interstates. I fear a wreck happening up ahead of me and being stuck in hours of traffic with no escape. Now, yes, that's an actual thing that could and does happen, but never once has it happened to me (great, now that I've typed it, look out!). But I have avoided concerts, ball games, trips to the beach, trips to the mountains, etc. all because I've tried to avoid what I fear coming true. I think I might just go "cave in" right now...that's so depressing to type and look at, but it's my truth. (Remember, I promised to be truthful, even if it was ugly.) Back to The Shack:

"So why do I have so much fear in my life?" "Because you don't believe. You don't know that we (the Trinity) love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."

This journey, the past three months, has been so painful. God's been doing some major excavation work on my heart, my mind, and my spirit. It's felt like taking a great big bulldozer, reaching down into the depths of Kara, and pulling up tons of messy stuff. Not easy, but oh so needed. When I read that paragraph, it made me cry. I am one of the ones who has sung about God's love for the bulk of my life. I've even taught children how much He loves them. I've ministered to friends who've called at all hours of the night crying and hurting. I've witnessed to strangers in homeless shelters, online, etc., but the one person who needed to "know it" more than any other has been myself. And the truth is, I've never KNOWN it.

Praise God that I believe the past few months has been His way of getting my attention and allowing me to learn more about the amazing depths of love that He has for me. The hardest thing has been to believe that I'm "worth it". So many of my single friends have heard me say that all I'm looking for is just that one amazing man who thinks I'm "worth it". Well guess what? I met him when I was a little girl in the Sunday School classes at MPUMC. His name is Jesus, and He thinks I'm so "worth it" that He died to save me from an eternal separation from His very own Papa.

This isn't necessarily a witnessing tool, at least not that I've ever thought about, but if you don't know my Papa, I'd encourage you to reach out to someone who does and ask about Him. His love is immense. It is eternal, and it is so radical. I'm just now starting to understand it, and to believe that I'm worth it.

Discovering My Worth While in the Vault,
Kara

Hmmm...I Need a Jewel Song Today....

Hello Friends!!

For those of you who aren't single, trust me, you can learn from what I'm about to post as well. I read this article a few days ago, and a portion of it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so applicable to life in general, and I just had to share it with you.

But first, an update on me. I'm still at The Arc....wooo hoooo, starting my third week! They still want me, so I'll go for week #4! I'm also still seeing Teresa, and for those of you who've been praying for me on Mondays at 4, take today off! She's out of town! The Tar Heels AND the Panthers are on a winning streak, so football season's off to a great start!!

Today, I am feeling completely grateful to God. My guess is that it's only in retrospect that we can truly look back, understand what He was doing, and rejoice in His provision and his providence, mercy and grace. I can promise you---when He grabs hold of you, leads you out of the pit you may not have realized you were in, and brings you to a higher place, all you can do is fall at His feet and praise Him!! I am blessed to be able to see how He has done this for me in a certain area, and thanks to confirmation and encouragement from a variety of friends, I KNOW that it was His best and His plan for me! Something that I thought would be so painful and difficult has, in fact, turned into a beautiful mosaic designed by my Creator to protect me, comfort me, and take me out of a situation that could have led to heartache instead of a heart pinch. I'll bet most of you have experienced those times, but for me, this is the first time I've ever really been cognizant of His power to intervene in a beautiful way in my life, and I'm SO BLESSED AND GRATEFUL!!! Praise You, Father!!!

Now to what I was reading: It's from (oh gosh, I can't believe I'm admitting this) a book called Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Ok, before ANYone says ANYthing, I didn't read the book, but found this article with a great quote FROM the book...really, I mean it, and if you don't trust me on that, you have trust issues, and you need to get in Life Skills quick!! Hehehe Chad, I got another reference in there!!

Please read this and think of the way it applies in your own life....it doesn't have to do with only singleness!!

Here we go:
"Paul Tripp, author and biblical counselor, explains the pitfalls of this continuum in this way - desire leads to demand, which re-labels itself as a "need" and leads to expectation of fulfillment, which, when unmet, leads to disappointment, and thus ends in punishment. As he writes, "The objects of most of our desires are not evil. The problem is the way they tend to grow, and the control they come to exercise over our hearts. Desires are a part of human existence, but they must be held with an open hand. ... The problem with desire is that in sinners it very quickly morphs into demand ('I must'). Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware that I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand. ... There is a direct relationship between expectation and disappointment, and much of our disappointment in relationships is not because people have actually wronged us, but because they have failed to meet our expectations."

When I first read that diagnosis (in his book "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands"), I was stunned. One sentence in particular screamed from the page: "There is a direct relationship between expectation and disappointment, and much of our disappointment in relationships is not because people have actually wronged us, but because they have failed to meet our expectations." These are self-induced dings to our hearts! Even more seriously, these acts are seeds we are sowing to future conflict in our own marriages. No husband will meet all of our desires, so we should learn to protect our own hearts and minds in Christ Jesus by not indulging this cycle of idolatry.

((BLOGGER'S INSERT--THIS IS SOOO GOOD!!)) So how do we change? Here's something I've been meditating on over the past year. The secret is in the worth of a woman with noble character. The Bible says she is "more precious than jewels." Jewels aren't out on the store's front counter for every passerby to carelessly handle. Precious jewels are guarded in the vault, and are only brought out for consideration by a buyer who has demonstrated serious intentions and the wherewithal to purchase. Costume jewelry attracts casual inspection - and lots of it - by its cheap presentation. But because it's not seen as valuable, it's not treated as such.

We don't have to put our affections and ourselves on display. We can trust our heavenly Father to ward off the casual shoppers and only bring those with serious intentions to consider us. But you need to know that this will mean some "vault time." While you're in the dark, wondering when - and if - you will have a chance to sparkle for an appreciative buyer, you'll be tested. During this time, keep in mind these three reminders:

* Prayer: Take your petitions to God, for He's the only one who can change a man's heart, and this brings His peace to guard our own hearts.
* Pursuit: It's not our job as women. Instead, we should have the joy of being pursued.
* Prevent Disappointment: Check yourself before you head down the slippery slope of desires, demands and expectations that Paul Tripp outlined. When you find your fist closing over good desires and making them demands, stop. Open that clenched fist and hold that desire up in prayer (see point one again).

We have to be very careful about guarding our own hearts. This is a wisdom issue. More importantly, it's a worship issue. The real motivation for guarding our hearts is not to be able to hand our husbands a relatively unscathed heart on our wedding day, as important as that is. The real motivation for guarding our hearts is to preserve our trusting dependence on God with a peaceful spirit, whether we get married or not. It's to keep a Scriptural imperative: "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

Sooooo, friends, what have I learned?
1. My desire and dream of marriage and family is God-given, and not a bad thing. However, when I left it morph from a desire to a demand and closed my fist around it, God became a threat, because He may not provide my desire. If I choose to submit my desire and my dream to him, with an open hand, He has the ability to potentially place that dream in my hand. He could never do that with a clenched fist!

2. I am a jewel...I'm thinking maybe a really pretty Blue Topaz...it's Carolina blue, you know? But I'm in some serious "Vault Time" right now, locked up and protected until and if God chooses to allow someone to open the vault. But, I now trust Him more than I trust myself to make those decisions...boy, my track record...eeeesh! So, while I'm in the vault, ya'll pray for me and with me...it's kinda dark in here and rather lonely at times. But, I know that I know that I know that HE IS in here with me!! After all, His name is "I AM"!! (Tim Patrick would get a snort and a chuckle out of that one!)

I love ya'll, and remember, this is a journey I'm on, and it will continue for a while. Healing ain't easy, and it isn't always fun, and it hurts quite often, but, ultimately, it will be glorious.

Journeying in the Vault,
Kara

Who Says You Can't Go Home?? A Little Bon Jovi Today!

Hellooooo.....is there an echo in here??

It just might be because it's been a while since I've posted! I feel like I have a lot to update you guys on, but let's start with a little apology!

First, I'm sorry that I haven't been updating the past few weeks. As you all know, I've left my position at Crossroads, and I took an ENTIRE two weeks off! Ahhhhh, it was WONderful!! I rested. I watched tv. I slept. I did nothing. I wrote a lot of poetry. I journaled. I did an awful lot of nothing. I cooked! I baked a cake...it was yummo! I read an awful lot. Suffice to say, I had a blast! It was so incredibly rejuvenating just to be able to de-stress!

Oh! I also went to church for the first time in about 3 and 1/2 years as a normal (well, as normal as you can be for me) person...no responsibilities! I really was able to enjoy the entire worship experience. I heard the entire message and didn't have to leave early to get ready for a new service. It was GREAT!! You just don't realize how much you miss those little things when you're so crazed on Sunday mornings, running around doing a million things for everybody! (Now, please hear me...that is NOT a complaint! I loved my job, and I loved the people I worked with and I LOVED the kids! I'm simply readjusting my outlook on life and on Sunday mornings, and I had a great time!)

I'll also admit to backsliding two of the last three Sunday mornings. I had church at home with my own worship time, which was very sweet. I watched two pastors on tv that I've really grown to love...check out Ed Young, he's great! Very up to the minute...he did a series on "Big Sex" that was just terrific...go check out the messages on his website if you'd like! You'll be glad you did.

This past Tuesday, I started my new old job at The Arc. Sounds funny, doesn't it? Who says you can't go home? Not me! I am honored to be back with these women and one guy (love ya, Brian!), because I know they care about me and have my best interest at heart, and I also appreciate the mission of The Arc. It's right up my alley, and I'll be doing things I love, so get ready to hear a lot about what's going on here!

A BIG THANK YOU to Lori E. for my special present she gave me at church a few weeks ago. That cross meant more to me than you'll know, Lori. It was the incentive I needed to continue the blog, actually, because I've been re-thinking the value of actually doing it and what its purpose is! Thanks for reading and letting me know that you care!!

Well, guys, I no longer have Mondays off, but I do only have to work 1/2 days on Friday, so it's time to zip out of here! I'll catch up more later....don't abandon me!! Remember, I'm on a journey to healing, and when the panic and anxiety start to flare, I remember you guys, and I hang on to your words of encouragement, so stick in there with me!!

Love you all,
Kara