Little Anxious Today

Hi Everyone,

It's been a few days since I last posted, and I've been resting up, trying to stay off my ankle. It's much better now, even though I'm hobbling a bit still. Thanks for your prayers, well-wishes and hugs this past week!!

So, I see Teresa today, and I guess that's what's got me a bit anxious today. I know there'll be healing that will come from meeting with her, but it's a bit scary to think of what I may have to walk through to get there. I'm trying to cover each Monday in prayer, and I'd like to ask that you do too! So, on Mondays at 4 PM EST, if you get a moment, please consider throwing a good one up to Daddy. I'll promise to let you know how it goes!

On the update end:

Sunday was a GREAT day! I was pretty much on my own at the church, as Rhonda and Jennifer were both at the Kannapolis campus. Mom wheeled me around in a wheelchair, and she's promised to never doubt me when I tell her how tiring Sundays are....she was exhausted!! Great job to the Ambassadors and all our wonderful teachers and assistants!! Welcome back and welcome aboard Pastor Mike & family!

I was able to share my blog with my grandmother and tell her the whole story of the abuse. Another big relief.

I also called my aunt/uncle and cousin in Texas (my mom's sister and her family), and I shared the story with her. Such a great conversation. You know? It's a shame to think of how, when we're damaged in our childhoods, we manage to allow our relationships to suffer. I always felt like such a wounded and unloved kid. I looked to her side of the family as the "favored ones", and it built up a wounded area of pride and hurt anytime they would visit NC. We were never close, and I always thought it was just because no one wanted to know me or liked me or that I wasn't good enough. I know now that those wounds to my self-esteem only served to separate and keep me away from being able to know and love part of my family the way that I'm sure God intended. For that, I'm so sorry, and that's going to change!!

I hope that you're all having a great day as you're reading this, and I will be updating you soon on the session with Teresa.

Looking for the grace on the journey!
Kara

Though I Have Fallen, I Will Rise....Literally!

Hello Everyone,

If you attend Crossroads, I hope you had an opportunity to enjoy the Family Film Fest last night and enjoyed Bee Movie. I'd like to say that I did, but that would be a bit of a stretch! As some of you know already, I had a bit of a mishap last night!

It started out great. I had a good trip over and was doing well. Things were falling into place, as they usually do with all our awesome volunteers. The teenagers were serving burgers and hot dogs, popcorn was being popped, and the little munchkins were playing with hula hoops and balls. I got out to play with the little ones and was throwing a ball to a couple kids, but one threw a ball past my head. As I turned to pick it up, I managed to step in a huge hole in the yard, wrench my ankle, and I fell flat on the ground. I must say, however, that I imagine the fall to have been quite graceful, much like at the end of Swan Lake as the swan gently falls to the ground and dies.

So literally, "though I have fallen, I will rise"!! hehehe God's so funny, huh? Today, I'm in bed with my foot wrapped. I have a walker by my side, my laptop on my bed, The Waltons playing in the background (I LOVE those old shows!), and I'm gonna work from home.

Ok, prayer warriors, time to cover me on TWO areas....healing of the panic/anxiety and healing for my foot!!

Love you all, and finding laughter in the journey,
Kara

Celebrate Good Times....Come On!!

Anybody wanna dance? Whhoooo Hoooo, I do! If you read my morning posting, you'll remember this day didn't start out in the best way possible! Well, let's change that, ok? TODAY was the first day I drove from my home to Crossroads and back ALONE! Wooo hooooo!!

Small steps? Yes! Victory? No doubt! I talked to God the whole trip over. I sang His praises, and it was a great trip! He even made some stoplights turn green quicker than usual! Yayyy God!

I want to share a Scripture that was shared with my be a friend, Kelly. It's found in Micah 7:8-7, and I LOVE it!!!!

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise.

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."

If that part in bold doesn't make you wanna dance, I don't know what does! I ain't no Ginger Rogers, but I got some hips that can do some shakin'!!! Hayyyyy Macarena!!

Doin' the jig,

Kara

To Med or Not To Med...Not Much of a Question!

Hi Everyone,

Well, confession time: today has not started out as a good day. I'm sitting in my music room where I do a lot of my praying, meditating and studying. I'm looking at the picture of Jesus with the crown on his head, holding a shepherd's staff, cradling a hurt lamb, and it just makes me want to cry. (Ok, I am crying.)

I've called my doctor to see if he can get me on a prescription of some sort to help me get thru the day to day, but truth be told, I'm mad. I'm angry that this is happening again. That I'm struggling to just get thru day to day stuff. That driving to church is so scary. That I'm afraid of traffic and being stuck in a traffic jam. That I feel like I'm stuck in a stinkin' rut that I don't know how to get out of. I'm ticked off!

I promised to be real here, so here goes: I want to know why! I want to know why I'm having to deal with all this again, why it hurts so much, and why I would just rather stay in my house and watch the garden grow in my neighbor's yard. I never wanted the life that I have now. I wanted to be married and have children and stay at home and cook and clean and be a wife and a mother, and I have none of that. So now not only am I dealing with a life I never wanted in the first place, but I have all these fears that are welling up inside that are keeping me from doing the life I DO have! What's that about??

Here's where I reach out to you, my friends and fellow sojourners. Have you had a time in your life where you've had to reconcile your dreams and what you wanted in your life to what you have now? What if it's not all that you dreamed of? How do you surrender your dreams and your wishes for your life when you're not getting what you wanted?

Over the weekend, I shared the story of my abuse with my father, the last big hurdle to everyone knowing about what's happened in my life. He was understandably hurt and teared up, but he listened well, hugged me in the end, told me he loved me and that it wasn't my fault. That was a great moment. I love him so so much, and I am so blessed to have him as my dad. I can't imagine making it without my mom, either. I'm grateful for them.

I promised it would be real, and today hasn't started off well. Thanks for listening to my rant. I love each of you who are taking time in your days/evenings to read and pray. It means more than you'll ever know.

Trying to find that grace along the journey,
Kara

HE Had Me At "Hello"!

Greetings Friends,

I hope you're enjoying this day. I LOVE summer storms, rain, thunder, etc...all ways that God displays His power and majesty, I think. What a remarkable day along the journey....

I journaled a lot this morning; I love to do that. I started feeling the need to draw, and I'm not an artist! I went looking for some blank paper, but what I found was stationary that had awards, prizes, trophies, etc all around the edges. I thought that was kinda cool, and I started listing all the "things" that I was proud of over the course of my life. (Honor grad, grades, honor societies, programs I started, awards and accolades.) Those were things that I always looked to, in the vain attempt to make me feel proud and accomplished. Maybe a way to build some self-esteem. It built such a cycle...it never ended...just went around and around the edge of the paper.

I then drew a picture of myself as I thought I'd looked for a large portion of my life....empty. GOD showed me that I used soooo many things to fill the emptiness I felt inside. Food, awards, knowledge, friends, family, (did I mention food?), service projects, anger, offenses, fear, politics, praise, doing for others, etc., these were all things that I thought would fill me up. WRONG!! I've learned that there is NO-thing or NO-one that can fill a person other than the ONE who created that person!!

As He showed me all those things, I remembered Naseem encouraging me to apply the blood of Jesus Christ over those things that had held me captive. I took a red colored pencil and, as I asked forgiveness for trying to allow each area to take the place of Christ in my life, I colored over each thing in red, symbolizing the blood of Jesus. I wept as I looked at each thing that I've tried to fill myself with....pointless as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes! Everything was pointless!!

What is NOT pointless is allowing Jesus to take up residence in our hearts...in my heart! He is number 1 and each day, each hour and maybe each minute if need be, you and I need to submit to His will and His leading in our lives.

After finishing my picture, I felt the need to find corresponding Scriptures that can speak TRUTH instead of the lies that I had accepted about each of those things completing me. You know? When Renee Zellweger told Tom Cruise that he "completed her" in Jerry McGuire, I almost wanted to puke. Truth is, I've been her character, and we probably all have. If you're looking to anyone or anything to take the place of pre-eminence in your life to the exclusion of Jesus Christ being on the throne of your life, I can promise that you're heading for a fall. Turn your life over to Jesus, and submit your life to God...because Scripture tells us he formed us in our mother's wombs....He had us at hello!!

Giving myself grace in the journey,
Kara

Praise God From Whom all Blessings Flow

Hi Friends!

I just wanted to share a quick progress report for today. It was the best day I've had since a week ago Wednesday when this experience started! Yayyy God! I drove to the church on my own (ok, my mom was with me, but this was huge progress), and I had a great day! I stayed the entire 3 services (from 7:45 until 12:45), did all that I needed to do, hugged tons of people, high fived a lot of kids, and altogether enjoyed myself!

If you are one of the men or women who have replied to my initial emails or blog postings that are going through panic/anxiety right now, I have good news for you: "The Lord is faithful to all his promises, and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." If you feel like you've fallen, He will uphold you. If you're bowed down, depressed, in a pit of despair, HE WILL LIFT YOU UP!! He will lift ME up!!

Special thanks:

• Jennifer, Rhonda, Laura & Kim for your support in staff meeting and the past few weeks.
• Andrew, thanks for your prayers and your friendship. We're blessed at Crossroads to have had your family be a part of ours. Truly, we are connected!
• Jeff, I love you, and I thank you for hanging in there with me. Nope, amazingly, you've not gone anywhere!
• To my parents: you're both my heroes!
• Ambassadors: I am amazed at your dedication and servants' hearts.
• Naseem: your prayers meant the world to me today.
• Lori: it is well with your soul.
• Robin: my heart is open to the dreams that the Lord will implant in your heart in the days to come. If I can be of any help, I will. I'm praying!
• All you awesome Crossroadian singles: I am blessed to be among you, and I look forward to beginning to re-connecting.
• My new Bichon buddies: I am so excited to get to know each of you better!
• Ann: you are simply a wonderful friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.
• Jill: you just totally rock! I love ya girl!!
• To Momma's ROD ladies: thanks so much for your kind words and phone calls. I'm thrilled she has you to turn to, and I'm thrilled that I have you to turn to!!
  
  I see Teresa tomorrow. Will update you more after that session.
  
  Giving Myself Grace & Rejoicing in the Victories!
  Kara

Learning to Accept Help

Hello Friends,

So I have to admit it: I do not accept people's help very well. I guess a part of having your self-esteem affected by abuse and all the negative things I've said to myself over the years has led to a feeling of inadequacy. When people have said they're praying for me, asked how I'm doing, told me they loved me, said they liked me, etc. etc., I honestly never really believed it. I suppose I've never thought I was "worth it"...the care and concern of others, not to mention their love.

But, last Sunday, I began to feel it. Really feel it. There were so many hugs from people who knew a small portion of what's going on. I've been able to see that I work with a staff of women who care about me and want what's best for me. My parents have been amazing. I have a man who stands by my side, tells me he loves me constantly, promises he's not going anywhere, and encourages me to make baby steps each day to reclaim my life and hold on to healing because, in his words, "God's got it baby." Since I began posting this blog, my email to some friends and family about what's going on, I've really felt your love and concern. I'm hanging on to those prayers, and I ask you to continue praying!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Giving myself grace,
Kara

So What's a Panic Attack, You Say?

I thought it would be smart to give those of you who have been blessed to never have experienced a panic attack a quick look at the physical symptoms a person is dealing with while struggling with panic. I can promise that most of these, I have experienced. You may recognize my actions, attitudes, physical symptoms in much of what's listed. I do invite each of you reading to ask questions anytime!

• raging heartbeat
• difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air
• terror that is almost paralyzing
• nervous, shaking, stress
• heart palpitation, feeling of dread
• dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
• trembling, sweating, shaking
• choking, chest pains, distress
• fear, fright, afraid, anxious
• hot flashes, or sudden chills
• tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
• fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Panic attacks reach maximum intensity within a minute or two once they begin. They diminish slowly over the next 30 minutes or the next several hours (but I promise you, your mind feels as if it will never end and you're going to die). It is common for the first attack to cause a person to go to an emergency medical facility (I did). Subsequent attacks occur several times a month and are often as severe as the initial attack.

About three fourths of Panic Disorder patients are women (that'd be me). Panic Anxiety Disorder begins most often when people are 20-30 years old (I was 20 and am in my mid-30s now). It begins less often in teenagers or persons in their forties. It is uncommon for the disorder to appear in the elderly for the first time.


Persons experiencing repetitive, severe panic attacks may simply have panic attacks and that is all. Other persons may begin to experience a progression of bothersome or distressing panic attack "side effects" (Oh yeah!).

This progression commonly occurs as follows:
1. A few weeks or months prior to the first panic attack there are sometimes minor symptoms such as rapid heart beat. (In retrospect, I definitely see things that I missed!)
2. The first major panic attack occurs. The person often seeks emergency medical evaluation at this time. The initial examination is commonly normal.
3. Continued panic attacks cause the person to seek further medical evaluations which may be inconclusive. Many panic attack sufferers go for months or years before receiving the proper diagnosis and by that time may have seen over a dozen physicians, psychologists and counselors. This appearance of "doctor shopping" may cause others to regard the sufferer as a hypochondriac.
4. An individual with Panic Anxiety Disorder may begin to avoid a certain activity because it occurs to them that it would be especially embarrassing or dangerous to have a panic attack while engaged in that activity. A typical sufferer of Panic Anxiety Disorder might think, "It's bad enough to have a panic attack at all, but it would be dangerous to have one on Interstate 75 because I would be preoccupied with the attack and would not be a safe driver. I might wreck my car, injuring myself or someone else!" This avoidance behavior may appear to be a fear of driving when it is really a fear of having a panic attack while driving. (For those of you who know me well....doesn't THIS sound familiar?)
5. Tendencies to avoid circumstances in everyday life may increase and extend to more activities. This extensive avoidance behavior is referred to as agoraphobia. (I had this for almost 3 months in college where I couldn't leave my own home.)
Places, activities or circumstances frequently avoided by persons with Panic Anxiety Disorder include the following: (all of them for me!)
Shopping malls, Department stores, Restaurants, Church (this was particularly heartbreaking), Meetings, Classes (dropped out of school), Driving (I'm REALLY struggling with this one now), Being alone, Airplanes & Elevators

6. After months or years of continuous panic attacks and the restricted lifestyle caused by the typical avoidance behavior, the sufferer of Panic Anxiety Disorder may become demoralized and psychologically or physically depressed. (Truth be told, this is where I am now and how I'm feeling at times.) Some sufferers turn to alcohol in an attempt to self medicate or to diminish the symptoms of the disorder. This greatly complicates the individual's life and ability to seek appropriate treatment. Tragically, one out of every five untreated sufferers attempts to end his or her life, never realizing that there was hope and treatment available.

Now, for the GOOD NEWS!! As a Christ-follower, I KNOW where my hope is built....on NOTHING less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...hmmm, somebody should write a song about that! I found this description online, and found it to be completely dead on. You could look up "Kara" in the dictionary, and this is what you'd find!

Giving myself grace,
Kara

And Now...the Rest of the Story (Well, at least some of it!)

Wow, I sounded a bit like Paul Harvey, didn't I? I think HE took Life Skills! hehehehe...gotta keep the humor!

So I think I left off with the start of my sophomore year at UNCC. I was plugging along, star student that I was, joining honor societies and campus groups like crazy. I sat down on a Monday morning in my Educational Psychology class, and a person walked in and sat down beside me that rocked my world. Without going into details, it was another woman I KNEW had been a victim of sexual abuse around the same time as mine.

I didn't know it at the time, but that day was the begining of my history with panic and anxiety attacks that stole most of my 20s from me. I know now that, somewhere in my subconscious, my brain went into hyper-super-overdrive to protect me from having the awareness of the sexual abuse as I sat next to this woman. The fears hit me from out of the blue, and the first night I had a panic attack, I wound up in the emergency room without a clue as to what was happening to me. Thank God, the doctor knew immediately and, after giving me a shot of Valium (gosh, that's good stuff!), he sent me home with the promise that I had to get help. I had to go see someone to talk through my troubles.

Unfortunately, that didn't immediately happen. I went to my home and couldn't leave the front door for three months. I remember the first trip out. My mother literally forced me into the car and drove me to my grandmother's home, no more than a 10 minute trip. I sat in her house and just cried and cried.

A few days later, I sat down with a psychologist, Wes, for the first time who worked at a satellite campus of Charter Pines Hospital that was in Concord. I began learning about brain chemistry and composition and how it impacted on panic and anxiety. We did a lot of work, and even though I'd dropped out of college, I VERY slowly began to re-enter the world. I took a part time job with people who loved me and cared about me (thanks Marvin & Tammy). After about a year and a half, I went back to UNCC to try to complete my degrees.

At Charter, a day came that I now wish I would have realized it to be the gift that it was. Wes told me, "Kara, we've done alot of great work, but next session, I want to get to the root of what is really going on." Somehow, I knew that this was a scary thing, and I didn't want to look at the root, whatever it was. (I still wasn't consciously aware of the impact of the abuse.) Amazingly, I was healed!! Wooo hooo, I never went back after that last session. I guess you could say, it scared the heck out of me to try to look back at what the root might have been. I KNOW now that God won't allow us to deal with root issues from our past until we're ready and able to handle them.

After going back on campus, shockingly, the panic attacks came back, but I think this was more just a pervasive fear going on, rather than the physical attacks themselves. I fled to the on campus Counseling Center, and began meeting with a doctor there. She recommended meeting with a psychiatrist who could prescribe medications for me. I resisted for a long time, but eventually I did agree to go on two different prescriptions. One, Buspar, I took 3 times a day as a "levelling" drug. The other, Ativan, was in case I felt a PA coming on, I could take it immediately. I used those for about 2 years until I began to wean myself off as I was back in life the way it used to be.

Ok, this is enough for now, and I'm gonna leave it here for a while. Work to do!! Have a Family Film Fest to plan for!!

Love, blessings, and giving myself some grace in the journey,
Kara

Walk a Mile

Hello Friends,

They say, whoever "they" are, that to really understand someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. I understand that sentiment, but I wonder why ANYone would want to walk a mile in the shoes I've worn. There's a lot about me that most people who know me have no idea about. I bet that's probably the case for a lot of people, isn't it?

My story is not unlike that of millions of other young girls and women who are the survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I don't believe that it does anyone any good to share the details, as the people who are involved are still alive and live in the Concord area. I do wish to let readers know that it was not at the hands of any family member. I don't wish to cause anyone any undue harm or to make them revisit any pain, so I have chosen not to share the details here.

Suffice it to say that sometime in my childhood (I'm pretty sure around 10/11), I was introduced to what God designed to be a beautiful gift to husbands and wives (that'd be sex) in a way that no young child ever should be. Yes, I'm a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but it's taken many, many years to label and accept it.

I suppose I never forgot what happened, but as I've learned through LifeSkills (YOU should really take LS, really you should!), a child doesn't have the mental development to process what is happening to herself, so I began to shut down. I didn't tell anyone, even though I knew what had happened was wrong. I was far too much like me, even at that early age, and I was worried about what everyone else would think of me. Would it hurt my parents too much if I told them? Would they think it was my fault? Didn't it just mean I was a bad person? I'm sure a million other questions went thru my mind back then.

In hindsight I just did what many others do, I stuffed it all. I stuffed the truth, I stuffed the pain, I stuffed the emotions, I stuffed the questions, and I began to stuff potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream...anything that could provide comfort from the pain. I know now that when we stuff our emotions and we stuff our "truth", we begin to live a lie. It was very effective in helping me cope, I must say. If you ever want to keep boys and men away from you, trust me, pack on a lot of weight...it's REALLY effective! It's sad, in retrospect, don't you think, that this was my way of coping? Ahhhh, the pains and the thoughts of a child/teenager/young woman.

I immediately switched my mind to become a perfectionistic, grade-obsessed school nut. I took on a Life Commandment (You'll learn about those in Life Skills...again, you really need it!), that girls either get beauty or brains, and I KNEW which I didn't have, so I'd better get myself going in school. Instead of having much of a social life, I became a great student, and I would rather have had the respect and admiration of my teachers than my peers. I graduated high school with honors, but allowed fear to make the one decision I probably most regret in my life.

I dreamed of attending UNC (Go Heels!) all my life. I wanted to be an attorney, or a writer or a teacher, maybe even a history professor. I always loved politics, so I even thought about working on Capitol Hill for a Kennedy. (Ok, yes, I'm a Democrat....hang with me here!) But, I was afraid of failure, and was scared to death of being rejected (rejection...another thing you'll learn about in Life Skills....have I mentioned, you need it?), so I did the dumbest thing I've probably ever consciously done. I didn't even apply. Arrrggghhhh.....for someone with a great GPA and SAT scores, I was really a dummy!!

I went to UNCC, and embarked on a double major History & Political Science degree track. I loved it! My Freshman year was a 4.0 in both semesters, and I took several summer school classes. I was lovin' it!! I wish I'd know how short-lived and loved those months would be at UNCC.

My Sophomore year was in the fall of 1990, and that's when life as I knew it crumbled. I'm gonna stop here, and I'll post more later, but I don't want to just glut you with my life. My story unfolds like an onion, so I'll share more soon.

Keep praying!!
Kara

It's a New Day!?!

Hello Friends,

This is a completely new venture for me, and I must admit, I'm scared out of my guts! I've never blogged anything personal before, and opening myself up and being vulnerable isn't something I'm particularly used to. But, I believe now that we're called to be transparent with one another, to share in each other's joys, sorrows and suffering, so I've chosen to share this journey toward healing with those of you who know me and are a part of my crazy mess of a life!

Many of you probably know me from around Crossroads Church, my wonderful church home for the past 7 years or so. You may be family, or you may be friends the Lord has placed in my path over the course of these past 37 years....ACK!! Did I really just publish that? Where'd the time go? I swear I don't think I'm a day over 21! Really, I don't. But, I don't get carded going to the movies anymore, and that's a hit to the ol' ego....and trust me, I did NOT pull out any gray hairs this morning. (Ummm, ok, so that's a white lie. Hmmmm...a lie's a lie, so while I really didn't pull out any gray intruders, they're there!)

The one thing that each of you reading this has in common is that for some reason that I'm doing my best to come to grips with, you care about me! Some, in fact, actually love me! I've just recently come to understand thanks to Ann how difficult it is for me to accept that love/concern/friendship/compassion into my life. So, if for any reason, I've ever hurt/offended/ticked off one of you due to that inability to accept your love/concern/friendship/compassion, please know that it was not my intention. God brings His kids to places of healing in His timing and as we're able to accept it and invite it into our lives and our spirits.

Please bear with me over the days ahead as I share my journey out of enveloping, pervasive fears into what I'm praying is a world filled with passion, intimacy and purpose through Him. I AM more than His beautiful mess, but understanding that to the core of my being will be a journey through a life that looks like a mess for a while! I will update you, journal my experiences, and I invite you to share your stories, your prayers for my healing, your questions, etc.

What's my story? Tune in tomorrow for more of me.