Reminiscing

My Bloggy Buddies!!

Several years ago, I was asked to put down on paper my testimony of dealing with panic and anxiety attacks. This was long before they came back again in 2008. I found these words last night tucked away in a safe place. I want to put them here, to remind me of where I was and what I came through, only to be brought back to this place once more. These words were written by a 25 year old young woman, me.

"Have you ever thought about how the one thing that seems to be the worst possible circumstance in your life can be used by God to become your greatest triumph and testimony to His gentle love? I have witnessed the faithfulness of our Father in a powerful way.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians about a "thorn in the flesh" sent to him in order to keep him from becoming too proud. Three times he asked the Lord to take it away from him, but God said no, because His power is made evident through our weaknesses. Paul concludes that he will rejoice in trials and hardships because when he was wake, the Lord was strong.

While in high school and college at UNCC, I was your typical "brainiac" honor student, forging ahead in life with a double major in history and political science. I was on the track to being the high-powered political consultant who was going to Washington, DC and change the world! I was a perfectionist who had to have everything exactly the right way--specifically in the area of grades--I HAD to have a 4.0 GPA. In my mind, I have always thought that God either gives a girl brains or beauty. I figured I knew which one I didn't have, so I'd better make up for it in the area of academics! Everything in my life was sacrificed for the sake of getting good grades--always being the "smart one".

When I was 19, I was sitting in a class when my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I was burning up, even though I'm sure it was a comfortable temperature in the air-conditioned classroom. I couldn't breath, I couldn't concentrate, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to die on the spot. I had no idea of what was happening to me. I got up and left the class, ran to my car (well, I am fat, so I actually walked fast!), and I got out of Dodge!

These incidents were repeated numerous times the next few weeks...I fell behind in all my classes, and got to the point where I was scared to death to even leave my house out of fear that another episode would occur. It was so bad that one night I literally thought I was having a heart attack. My mother was scared, and she took me to the Emergency Room.

God was truly looking down on me that night, because he sent me an angel in the form of an ER doc to my bedside that night....Dr. Rolland Phillips. I'm sure he has absolutely no recollection of this night, because I was only one of many, many patients he's seen over the years; however, to me, this was the pivotal night of my life. He talked with me and summed up all the events of the past few weeks into two words....panic attacks. He told me I needed to seek counseling (author's inserted 2011 note: in retrospect, I sure wish he'd recommended his wonderful wife, Teresa, to me back then!) and that everything would be alright.

Finally, I had an understanding of what was happening to me. I wish I could tell you that immediately, everything was alright. Unfortunately, that was not the case....it became worse before it got better. I spent three months trapped inside my house feeling as if I could not leave. I sought help from a psychologist and from my pastor at the time. With the help of this counseling and much prayer, over the course of the next few years, I was able to gradually re-enter the world, go on to complete my degree, return to work, church, everything that ceased to exist during those few years.

For many, many months, I questioned God. I asked why? I cried out to Him. I begged and pleaded for Him to take the fear away, and to be honest, I yelled at Him a few times. I asked Him to snap His powerful fingers and heal me. I held a grudge against Him and I blamed Him. I was angry, I was hurt....after all, I was His kid!! I had known Him since I was a child. He shouldn't have done that to me, right? Then, one night, I opened my Bible and I read about Paul's thorn in the flesh. I felt the Holy Spirit lift a huge weight off my shoulders that night as I realized that, quite often, the Lord allows us to be tested in order to see what we're made of. Can we take the greatest trials of our lives and use them to become our greatest testimonies?

In the years that have followed what I call me "post-PA" years (post panic attacks), I have allowed the Lord to use my experiences to counsel others who are dealing with panic and anxiety. I have seen Him heal men and women when they didn't realize there was help. I am so grateful to Him that He allowed me to walk through that season of life....and now, I can even say that I would walk through those horrible months and years again, as long as I knew that He would use them in the way He has. I pray He will continue to use me and my experiences in the years ahead, because when I am weak, He truly is strong."

Gaining....& Losing....

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. 'Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?' " Matthew 16 (MSG)

My guess is that several of you thought this would be another update on the weight-loss journey I've been on over the past several months. Well, you'd be wrong, but then again, you'd be right!

God has been tugging on my sleeve a good bit lately in the area of control - who has it and, sadly for me, who doesn't. I am a self-confessed control freak. Shocking, I know. I'm a person of schedules, rules, expectations, priorities, and stick-to-itiveness. (Hmmm, I'm pretty sure my 8th grade English teacher, Becky Porter, would run her red pen over that word!)

I want things to be "just so". Actually, I want them to be "Kara's way". I can't tell you how many times I've said (albeit mostly to myself) "If people would just listen to me and do things the way I say they should be done, this world would be SO much better!" Please - somebody help me out here and tell me I'm not alone!

I want this weight loss thing to be on my timetable too. I told my mom, just yesterday, that I'd like to be able to take some magic knife and shave off all the fat that's leftover. That way, I don't have to worry about counting calories, developing a much more standard (and rigid)exercise program, or drinking my 100 ounces of water a day.

I'd like to be in control of my work situation. I want a full-time job with benefits, thank you very much. One where I'm giving back every day and contributing to society and making a nice salary would be helpful.

I'd like to go back to school and complete a Master's program in....well, in something. That way, I'm "more educated" and can hold my head up a bit higher. I've used the intellect God graced me with.

I'd like to be a published author with a book on the NY Times best seller's list. Lots of offers for speaking engagements and conferences scheduled all throughout my calendar.

While we're at it, I'd also like to have a home on Union Street. One of those big old white houses with all the amazing built-in woodwork and creaks in the floors, a huge wrap-around front porch with lots of shade where I can sit with a good book and read, or with my laptop as I'm composing my next best-seller.

Oh oh and also, I'd like to be rich! Well, maybe not rich, but super comfortable. Where I don't have to worry about paying bills or really "working" ever again. Yeah, that'd be nice! And that's not so selfish as much as it is practical...to be a writer, I need time to write, right?

I want all political decisions to be made by me. After all, we'd be in so much better shape in this country and throughout the world.

I want children. Yes, I do. I want children...how 'bout you?

I want a husband. Oh yes, I most certainly do. Kiefer Sutherland's still available, isn't he? (Just kidding, Mike, if you're reading this!)

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples"....now THOSE are some challenging words! Jesus went to work on them? OUCH! Why does that sound a slight bit painful? He tells them HE is in the driver's seat, not them, if they intend to follow Him. "Jesus, Take the Wheel", anyone?

If I want Jesus to be the head of my life, I must learn to surrender, each aspect of my life to His way and to His will for my life. He promises that He knows my future and that it's good and filled with hope. Resting in that promise allows me to slowly loosen my grip on MY control, MY dreams, MY hopes, MY plans for MY future.

He encourages them to not run away from suffering, but to embrace it. Embrace it? Who wants to embrace suffering? That's gonna leave a mark! Yes, it will, but oh what a mark it will be. Our present sufferings are so small in light of all that is to come. When I let go of the control of my suffering, I allow Him to come into the hurt and wounded places, to bind my broken heart, and to restore my life in the way that is pleasing and honoring to Him. He also gives them, and us, a great promise by saying "I'll show you the way."


"Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." Self-sacrifice...does that conjure up images for anyone else of putting ourselves on an open spit, tied up and burning? Maybe not, but I can tell you for this control freak, it FEELS like that. When I don't WANT to not eat a piece of chocolate cake. When I don't WANT to go for a walk. When I don't WANT to knuckle down in the details of my life, my control screams..."DON'T SACRIFICE!! DON'T GIVE IN!! KEEP ON KEEPING ON!" But then, that still small voice whispers, "I'm here. Just make one right choice. Yes, it may be tough, but think of the reward on the other side. You can do it. I'll show you the way."

"What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" Lose myself? I confess I am guilty of doing this on more than one occasion. Yes, the control freak may rage, but sometimes those idols - those things I think I need - they get the best of me. Instead of spending time in His Word, in prayer, in worship...I'll go flick the tv on and watch something mindless. Instead of taking a walk, I will go grab the sugar-free ice cream. (Hey! At least I said sugar-free!)

When I'm challenged to go my own way, to do my own thing, I need to remind myself that I'm effectively choosing to give up my soul. My soul that longs to bless my Creator, my Savior, my Lover. My Abba Daddy. The one who died for me and loves me with an everlasting love. He has my name engraved on the palms of His hands. Is there really anything, ANYthing, that is worth more than that?

I don't wanna gain the whole world, and lose my soul.......

Time to Check Your Pulse

This weekend, I had the blessing & honor to attend The Refuge in Concord. Many of you know it's been a struggle for me to find a church home since leaving Crossroads. I have attended a few that began to feel like home, but the "it" factor was never fully there. I've visited a few churches the past few months, but had honestly almost decided to give it up. Thanks to the encouragement and invitation of a dear friend, I prayerfully decided that it was time to venture back into a church and hope that it might feel like "home".

My prayers were that the Lord would allow me to look beyond all the bells & whistles that The Refuge so powerfully presents. I've heard their worship leader sing before; own their worship cd, so I knew I wouldn't be distracted by the music. I didn't want to focus in on my friend who is a part of the worship team; I've heard him play before and can again if we choose. I didn't want the lighting, the marketing materials, the coffee shop, the people, the ANYTHING to get in the way of ME PERSONALLY HEARING FROM GOD. My prayers were fervent on Saturday, and He answered them powerfully. (YAYYY God!)

Pastor Jay Stewart began a new series called "Modern Family", Vital Signs of a Healthy New Testament Family. He encouraged each of us to take a look at the pulse of our homes:

P = Prayer & Worship
U = Unity
L = Laughter
S = Stewardship
E - Excellence

I wanted to take a few moments to focus on the one that made the most impact on me. P = Prayer & Worship: Jay's point that the atmosphere of our homes can determine our relationship with Jesus was very impactful. Referencing Leviticus 14:33-45, he said that there could be things in our homes that defile our relationshp with God. OUCH!! That's scary! I was led to question myself, "Father, are there things in my house, whether I'm aware of them or not, that are contrary to Your Word and that are hindering my walk with you?" Jay began to ask questions about the things in our homes - pornography, movies with scenes that aren't edifying, too much tv, songs playing in our iPods, computer games, distractions that keep us from spending time with Him - that we should get rid of.

Then, he knocked me out of the water! He directly addressed the singles in the audience by asking: "Are there trinkets in your home from past relationships? Things you just hold on to in order to keep the memory alive when you see it?" WOW! Talk about immediately being hit by the Holy Spirit! My mind focused on the box in the storage unit. It's probably about 10 years old now, but it holds all the memories from a relationship with a wonderful man I'll call Aaron, though that's not his real name. It holds emails - tons of emails - that we used to write back and forth to one another. Poetry. Gifts. Cards. My first teddy bear from a guy. All those promises we made to one another. They're all in there. (I guess I should let you know that Aaron's married now and has 4 kids! I bless and honor him and the life he's made as a minister and in seeking to open an orphanage with his wife.) But that box remains....at least it did until yesterday. Lord, forgive me for allowing past memories to hinder my running after you with all my heart. Grant me wisdom and discernment to see any other things that should be thrown away.

In order for my home to be a house of prayer, a place where people can enter and know that the presence of the Lord is there, I must be vigilent to eliminate anything that can keep me from serving Him effectively and with excellence. As Jay said, Atmosphere + Climate = Culture, and I want the culture of my home to be one of peace, love, and joy. In fact, I want the Fruit of the Spirit to be ever-present.

U = Unity: Only the Holy Spirit can produce Unity in our homes and in our relationships, our friendshps and our marriages. He made a super point that "unity is not conformity, but it is reflective of the heart of God." The people who enter my life, my home, my career, my church and I will never been conformed to one another on each and every point of discussion - I even let Duke fans walk in (but I do spray some holy water on them). If we were, what a boring life we'd all lead. But, we can choose to live in unity with one another, as far as it is possible for us.

L = Laughter : We must constantly search for joy; we should seek it. As a worry addict, I admit I struggle with this one regularly. (I feel like I should walk into a WA meeting and say, "Hi, I'm Kara, and I'm a worry addict!) Worry feels like it will strangle us from enjoying anything in life, if we constantly let it take control of our thoughts and our emotions. It forces us to take our eyes of Him and focus on the wrong things. If the father of all lies has a plan to kill, steal, and destroy, then one of his most effective weapons is worry. I've seen it in my life and in the lives of many of the people I love.

S = Stewardship: Am I a good steward of all the blessings and gifts the Lord has given me? Ok, confession time....NO, I am not. Modern, healthy, NT homes have 4 key hallmarks, according to Pastor Jay.
1. Tithing....do I regularly tithe? No, I truly don't. No excuses; I just don't do it. Do I believe I should? Most definitely. (Add that to the choice to be obedient list.)
2. Budget...do I work off a monthly budget? Nope, I don't. Ok, conviction is beginning to set in here.
3. Has plan to eliminate debt....well, I'm a little better off in this area, because I don't have a lot. I own my own home and car; make enough each month to just scrape by. (Though this changes in September as y'all know...may need to revisit this idea soon!)
4. Lives Missionally....do I give to others? YES! Ok, whew...feeling a wee bit better now. POWERFUL ideas to think about in the areas of stewarding our lives.

E = Excellence: Does my spiritual life reflect a desire to demonstrate excellence for Him? Every day, no. Sometimes, yes. Most of the time, I hope so. In all areas: devotions, prayer, worship, soaking, writing...are all the things I do for Him done with excellence? Great question to focus on for each of us. Doing things with excellence creates an atmosphere for the Holy Spirit to move in our homes. My desire is to represent Him with excellence in ALL things.

A lot to think on...a lot to be challenged by, thank You Abba Daddy! As you take your spiritual pulse, are there areas of your life that could be healthier? I invite you to join me on this path toward becoming a Modern (Healthy) Family!

Buckets of Blessings,
Kara

i am not, but i know I AM (thanks Louie Giglio)

"God said to Moses, "I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, 'I-AM sent me to you.'"

I've always struggled with self-esteem. How I see myself. How I measure up. Am I worthy? Feelings of needing to erect powerful walls to keep people away from seeing the true me. If they knew the true me, would they be turned away by the depth of "realness" they saw?

As I entered the world of She Speaks 2011, I carried a lot of those feelings of inadequacy with me. How would I measure up to all those amazing women who God had specifically called? Were my gifts worthy of theirs? Would He meet me there? Was this really worth all that money I had paid? And on and on and on.

Thursday evening, a group of about 30 of us from a Facebook group for attendees met for dinner at the Rocky River Grille. Though very few of us knew one another, we had met through chats about what clothes to wear, what to pack, what the humidity would do to their hair, and directions to the hotel since apparently Mapquest and Google maps don't seem to understand Concord very well. (Happy to say I could help out on that one...really, if a Concord girl can't get someone from I-85 to the Embassy Suites, she should just move to Albemarle or something.)

I was the first to arrive, in typical Kara fashion. I decided to walk around a bit, and as I was walking into the atrium of the hotel, I spotted her. The first woman I met at She Speaks...Karen Nolen Bell! Yayy! I recognized her from her picture! We immediately hit it off, and we decided to go back into the restaurant to chat for a while. We swapped stories of where we lived, what we did in life, what her book proposal was about (can't wait to see it published), etc.

Soon after, all these other beautiful women from across the country began to trickle in. Our table filled up first, and I met a woman that I immediately knew would be a friend for life...Wendy Meuller. Such a blast! You know how you just "know that you know"? Well, friends, I knew....and I can't wait to see all the Lord's gonna do with the two of us! Wow, but we are one dynamic twosome.

Wendy made sure to direct me to go spend some time in the Prayer Room before doing anything else for the conference, especially since this was my first time being there. The picture you see at the top of this blog is one of about 18 that our Prayer Coordinator, Luann Prater, set up for each of us. She took the names of God, their meanings, and their corresponding Scriptures and placed them on parchment looking paper. She took the names of each and every woman who was attending She Speaks, prayed over each one, and placed the name where the Lord told her to. She knew and trusted that He would direct her hands to the name most appropriate for the need of each woman there.

On Friday morning, I registered, stole someone's cup (with their name on it....sorry Danielle!), and made my way to the Prayer Room. I was determined that I was going to face these days of uncertainty at least being prayed up and open to anything that God would choose to show me. I walked into this dimly lit smaller conference room that had some lovely soaking music playing, with pillows on the floor, two altars, communion set up, and I was actually alone. I loved that, because those quiet times that Daddy and I spend together are so richly blessed for me.

I spent some quiet time with Him, sharing that I didn't really understand why I was there or what He had in mind for me. I told Him that I was willing to be open to the process, to remain vigilant in searching for the things He wanted me to learn. I said that I would be open to meeting with and talking with any woman He placed in my path over the next 3 days. I wanted to be an open vessel that He could pour into, because I had poured out so much of myself the past few years that I was honestly running on fumes and had nothing more to give or share. I felt a calm reassurance that all would be well and that He did hear and He would respond.

I then decided to go find my name. I hoped it was there somewhere. It certainly was. "YHWH" "I AM" "The One Who IS" "The Self Existent One" That was enough for me. Just being reminded that God IS who He says He IS...that would have sufficed. But I read on, "God never changes. His promises never fail. When we are faithless, He is faithful." Well, those words just knocked me out.

Friends, we can trust that God will be faithful. I went to She Speaks with a head full of doubts, not only about myself, but also about God. The God who loves me has walked with me through abuse, failures, a severe lack of confidence in His creation (me), broken relationships, losses of dreams, questions of His purpose and plan. All those things were MY issues....when I felt faithless, He remained faithFULL. God's promises never fail...He WILL accomplish His plans for my life. My role is to trust Him and to follow in His ways.

My friends, changes....they are a'comin'!

Come Just as You Are

Hello Bloggy Friends!

It's been a few weeks since I've posted anything, and for lack of better reasons, I offer no excuses. God has me in a season of reflection, restoration, and relearning some old lessons that I thought I had worked through. Sometimes going back up a mountain you thought you'd conquered can be painful and feel like drudgery, but learn the lesson I must, so onward and upward I journey.

I was blessed last weekend to be able to attend the 2011 She Speaks conference, sponsored by Proverbs 31 Ministry. She Speaks is an annual event at the Embassy Suites in Concord - I had a small travel budget, so that just fit right in! Each year 650 women attend this event - this year, there were 46 states and 4 countries represented. These are women who have felt a call on their lives from God to either write, speak or lead others into a saving knowledge of His love and mercy. I was honored to be in their midst.

WAIT!! Huh? ME?? Really? What was I doing there? This failure at church-wide ministry who had basically been fired from my "Dream Job". (Even though I chose to leave. Trust me, when you see the writing on the wall, sometimes they don't have to say the words for you to know it to be true.) Yes, I've felt called to write, but I had nothing to hand out to anyone, and I haven't sat down to put much on paper lately in all honesty. Yes, I love to speak, but do I have the confidence to actually get up on stage and effectively communicate for HIM? Leading women? Well, one pastor and a couple of my friends seem to see that in me, but do I actually sense it for myself? Hmmmm.....

Truth be told, I had agreed to begin leading Women's Ministries @ The Village Church just 2 weeks before I received the email about registering for She Speaks. When I saw that there was a Women's Ministry Leadership Track, I was convinced that was my confirmation from God that this was the path my spiritual life was taking. I love women and seeing them grow and become more confident in themselves because of the power of Christ's love for them....this was going to be PERFECT!!

Ahhh, the plans of mice and Kara! I registered for She Speaks and paid up front. That was a huge commitment financially, and I trusted that God would use my obedience (and sacrifice) to minister to me and to show up where I needed to meet Him that weekend. Two weeks after that, God very pointedly showed me that I was not to be the Women's Ministries Director @ The Village and that I was to sojourn on to my new church home. (When I find it, I'll let you know!)

I forgot about She Speaks.

Then, I received an email from LeAnn in the P31 office. Uh oh. I was still registered to be in She Leads...and I had nobody to lead!! What a farce I felt like. The words of the enemy began berating me. "Who do you think you are?" "You can't lead anyone or anything" "No one's going to listen to you", etc. etc. "You're not good enough. You're not smart enough, and gosh darn it, people don't like you". (Insert SNL reference there.)

I sincerely thought about cancelling and getting at least a portion of my registration fee back. But life got busy and I didn't do anything. Then, I realized I had missed the date to get ANYthing back but a small portion of the deposit. I was stuck. I was registered, and apparently I had to make the decision to either go and try to get SOMEthing out of it, or not go and lose the money, the opportunity to meet a lot of women (maybe even some new friends), and anything that I could hopefully glean from the conference.

I posted on a Facebook group for attendees my dilemma and how I was feeling as if I had nothing to offer. One new friend suggested simply "come just as you are" and to offer up my gifts, my heart, my talents, my dreams and my plans to Him. She said from experience of having attended She Speaks in the past, He would meet me where I was if I would just let go of my pre-conceived ideas for the conference.

Oh, how He met me.....to be continued......