Confession time today. The last several months, I have wrestled a LOT with where I fit in at Crossroads. I took a huge hit to my self-worth and my pride (being honest) when I was told that "there wasn't a future for my position" at Crossroads and that, while I wasn't being fired, it was probably best for me to go ahead and start looking for something else. That sent me on a downward spiral that has been really tough to come back from. Thank God that He sent Teresa into my life at the exact same time, and we've spent a lot of session time working through how I processed all of that.
Helen Keller once said, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” I'll be the first to tell you, this has been my life the last 4 1/2 months. I LOVED what I was called by the Lord to do at Crossroads. Coordinating events for families, ministry opportunities, and working to draw out the talents and giftings of the adults in our church, watching children--hundreds of children--meet and learn more about Jesus....I truly felt that was the full embodiment of my purpose in life. That door is closed to me now, and I have spent months looking back, trying to rehash what went wrong, feeling hurt, angry and disappointed, crushed even. In looking back at that door, I have honestly missed the blessing of the one that was opened for me.
The past several weeks, I've walked around Crossroads like somewhat of a zombie--oh, I was there in body, but my mind was wandering....maybe wondering more so. Where do I fit in? Why am I here? Should I stay or should I go? Lowell's been sharing messages about the family and how the church is a family as well. I haven't felt much like a part of that family....or maybe more like an estranged part of the family. It's been over 4 years since I haven't had a "job" to do on Sunday morning, since I was "just" a worshiper, since I was "just" a number that gets counted into the attendance, and that feels so unsettling.
If I don't DO something there, why am I there? Don't I have to EARN my place in the family that is Crossroads? Shouldn't I be WORKING to be of some worth to someone there? (There is SUCH a good sermon in those questions! I think so many people struggle with these from time to time.)
I have been praying the past few weeks for God to show me whether my time at Crossroads is up. I've asked Him to show me why I came to Crossroads in the first place--to help me regain my first love for my church family. In a purely selfish way, I gave Him til the end of the year or I was just going to leave and go somewhere else on my own--don't you think He laughed at that? ME giving HIM a deadline!! HA!!
Last night, I got my answer. I coordinated the Thursday night outreach evenings of the Carolinas Christmas Spectacular. It's where we invite in 600 nursing home residents, night shelter residents, teenage moms, orphans, persons with disabilities, etc. It's my job to invite them to attend, distribute tickets, do seating arrangements, and welcome and greet them when they arrive.
After everyone was there, eating their delicious meal and enjoying themselves, I got a chance to sit back and reflect on what had been happening. That night, I had received tons of hugs and "how are yous?" from children, teens that I love, as well as so many adult friends who I haven't really reached out to since I left my job. Charles was there!! Yayyyy!!! My favorite Little Drummer Boy was there in his band uniform. JAYYY-SUN!! There were volunteers who came to love on some babies that belonged to the teen moms who were attending the show. A very weird lookin' Rudolph was roaming the halls, with a sweet teenager in a green elf costume that sent me an air hug. Tammy and Leanna were absolutely indispensable, and I've missed being around the two of them so so much. Bea gave me a wonderful Christmas hug. There are so many people there that I have grown to love over the past 8 years that I've attended Crossroads. I got the biggest bear hug from Lisa that I've ever had, and I was able to congratulate Kels and Gordon on their marriage again.
I sat in the back of the worship center and watched adults with developmental disabilities dance with one another. I saw teenage moms' eyes wide with wonder was they walked into our nursery and saw how well their babies would be taken care of. I watched my senior pastor sitting on the floor at the back of the room looking up to the sky, wondering what he must have been feeling, guessing that he was giving thanks to God for where Crossroads has come from to where it is now. I watched the servers--young and old, male and female--take such great care of each person in attendance, and my heart began to swell. Gone was the anger. Gone was the bitterness and the hurt. I think I felt what the Grinch felt when his heart grew two sizes that day. I know mine must have as well.
I honestly can't say that I know what my purpose at Crossroads is. I don't know if I'll ever minister there again in any capacity, paid or unpaid, calling or volunteer. But I can say that for the first time in months, I am so glad to be a part of the family of Crossroads, and I praise God that He used a night of reaching out to people that so often go overlooked to remind me that the family that is Crossroads is defined by one thing: a heart to serve others through hearts that have been redeemed and transformed by Him.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Kara
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