i am not, but i know I AM (thanks Louie Giglio)

"God said to Moses, "I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, 'I-AM sent me to you.'"

I've always struggled with self-esteem. How I see myself. How I measure up. Am I worthy? Feelings of needing to erect powerful walls to keep people away from seeing the true me. If they knew the true me, would they be turned away by the depth of "realness" they saw?

As I entered the world of She Speaks 2011, I carried a lot of those feelings of inadequacy with me. How would I measure up to all those amazing women who God had specifically called? Were my gifts worthy of theirs? Would He meet me there? Was this really worth all that money I had paid? And on and on and on.

Thursday evening, a group of about 30 of us from a Facebook group for attendees met for dinner at the Rocky River Grille. Though very few of us knew one another, we had met through chats about what clothes to wear, what to pack, what the humidity would do to their hair, and directions to the hotel since apparently Mapquest and Google maps don't seem to understand Concord very well. (Happy to say I could help out on that one...really, if a Concord girl can't get someone from I-85 to the Embassy Suites, she should just move to Albemarle or something.)

I was the first to arrive, in typical Kara fashion. I decided to walk around a bit, and as I was walking into the atrium of the hotel, I spotted her. The first woman I met at She Speaks...Karen Nolen Bell! Yayy! I recognized her from her picture! We immediately hit it off, and we decided to go back into the restaurant to chat for a while. We swapped stories of where we lived, what we did in life, what her book proposal was about (can't wait to see it published), etc.

Soon after, all these other beautiful women from across the country began to trickle in. Our table filled up first, and I met a woman that I immediately knew would be a friend for life...Wendy Meuller. Such a blast! You know how you just "know that you know"? Well, friends, I knew....and I can't wait to see all the Lord's gonna do with the two of us! Wow, but we are one dynamic twosome.

Wendy made sure to direct me to go spend some time in the Prayer Room before doing anything else for the conference, especially since this was my first time being there. The picture you see at the top of this blog is one of about 18 that our Prayer Coordinator, Luann Prater, set up for each of us. She took the names of God, their meanings, and their corresponding Scriptures and placed them on parchment looking paper. She took the names of each and every woman who was attending She Speaks, prayed over each one, and placed the name where the Lord told her to. She knew and trusted that He would direct her hands to the name most appropriate for the need of each woman there.

On Friday morning, I registered, stole someone's cup (with their name on it....sorry Danielle!), and made my way to the Prayer Room. I was determined that I was going to face these days of uncertainty at least being prayed up and open to anything that God would choose to show me. I walked into this dimly lit smaller conference room that had some lovely soaking music playing, with pillows on the floor, two altars, communion set up, and I was actually alone. I loved that, because those quiet times that Daddy and I spend together are so richly blessed for me.

I spent some quiet time with Him, sharing that I didn't really understand why I was there or what He had in mind for me. I told Him that I was willing to be open to the process, to remain vigilant in searching for the things He wanted me to learn. I said that I would be open to meeting with and talking with any woman He placed in my path over the next 3 days. I wanted to be an open vessel that He could pour into, because I had poured out so much of myself the past few years that I was honestly running on fumes and had nothing more to give or share. I felt a calm reassurance that all would be well and that He did hear and He would respond.

I then decided to go find my name. I hoped it was there somewhere. It certainly was. "YHWH" "I AM" "The One Who IS" "The Self Existent One" That was enough for me. Just being reminded that God IS who He says He IS...that would have sufficed. But I read on, "God never changes. His promises never fail. When we are faithless, He is faithful." Well, those words just knocked me out.

Friends, we can trust that God will be faithful. I went to She Speaks with a head full of doubts, not only about myself, but also about God. The God who loves me has walked with me through abuse, failures, a severe lack of confidence in His creation (me), broken relationships, losses of dreams, questions of His purpose and plan. All those things were MY issues....when I felt faithless, He remained faithFULL. God's promises never fail...He WILL accomplish His plans for my life. My role is to trust Him and to follow in His ways.

My friends, changes....they are a'comin'!