Reminiscing

My Bloggy Buddies!!

Several years ago, I was asked to put down on paper my testimony of dealing with panic and anxiety attacks. This was long before they came back again in 2008. I found these words last night tucked away in a safe place. I want to put them here, to remind me of where I was and what I came through, only to be brought back to this place once more. These words were written by a 25 year old young woman, me.

"Have you ever thought about how the one thing that seems to be the worst possible circumstance in your life can be used by God to become your greatest triumph and testimony to His gentle love? I have witnessed the faithfulness of our Father in a powerful way.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians about a "thorn in the flesh" sent to him in order to keep him from becoming too proud. Three times he asked the Lord to take it away from him, but God said no, because His power is made evident through our weaknesses. Paul concludes that he will rejoice in trials and hardships because when he was wake, the Lord was strong.

While in high school and college at UNCC, I was your typical "brainiac" honor student, forging ahead in life with a double major in history and political science. I was on the track to being the high-powered political consultant who was going to Washington, DC and change the world! I was a perfectionist who had to have everything exactly the right way--specifically in the area of grades--I HAD to have a 4.0 GPA. In my mind, I have always thought that God either gives a girl brains or beauty. I figured I knew which one I didn't have, so I'd better make up for it in the area of academics! Everything in my life was sacrificed for the sake of getting good grades--always being the "smart one".

When I was 19, I was sitting in a class when my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I was burning up, even though I'm sure it was a comfortable temperature in the air-conditioned classroom. I couldn't breath, I couldn't concentrate, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to die on the spot. I had no idea of what was happening to me. I got up and left the class, ran to my car (well, I am fat, so I actually walked fast!), and I got out of Dodge!

These incidents were repeated numerous times the next few weeks...I fell behind in all my classes, and got to the point where I was scared to death to even leave my house out of fear that another episode would occur. It was so bad that one night I literally thought I was having a heart attack. My mother was scared, and she took me to the Emergency Room.

God was truly looking down on me that night, because he sent me an angel in the form of an ER doc to my bedside that night....Dr. Rolland Phillips. I'm sure he has absolutely no recollection of this night, because I was only one of many, many patients he's seen over the years; however, to me, this was the pivotal night of my life. He talked with me and summed up all the events of the past few weeks into two words....panic attacks. He told me I needed to seek counseling (author's inserted 2011 note: in retrospect, I sure wish he'd recommended his wonderful wife, Teresa, to me back then!) and that everything would be alright.

Finally, I had an understanding of what was happening to me. I wish I could tell you that immediately, everything was alright. Unfortunately, that was not the case....it became worse before it got better. I spent three months trapped inside my house feeling as if I could not leave. I sought help from a psychologist and from my pastor at the time. With the help of this counseling and much prayer, over the course of the next few years, I was able to gradually re-enter the world, go on to complete my degree, return to work, church, everything that ceased to exist during those few years.

For many, many months, I questioned God. I asked why? I cried out to Him. I begged and pleaded for Him to take the fear away, and to be honest, I yelled at Him a few times. I asked Him to snap His powerful fingers and heal me. I held a grudge against Him and I blamed Him. I was angry, I was hurt....after all, I was His kid!! I had known Him since I was a child. He shouldn't have done that to me, right? Then, one night, I opened my Bible and I read about Paul's thorn in the flesh. I felt the Holy Spirit lift a huge weight off my shoulders that night as I realized that, quite often, the Lord allows us to be tested in order to see what we're made of. Can we take the greatest trials of our lives and use them to become our greatest testimonies?

In the years that have followed what I call me "post-PA" years (post panic attacks), I have allowed the Lord to use my experiences to counsel others who are dealing with panic and anxiety. I have seen Him heal men and women when they didn't realize there was help. I am so grateful to Him that He allowed me to walk through that season of life....and now, I can even say that I would walk through those horrible months and years again, as long as I knew that He would use them in the way He has. I pray He will continue to use me and my experiences in the years ahead, because when I am weak, He truly is strong."