Odds & Ends

Hello Everyone,
Thank you for stopping back by once more to catch up on the latest developments in my journey to freedom and wholeness. It means a great deal to me to know that you are out there. Whether I know you're reading this or not, just the fact that there are those who care means more to mean than you'll ever know.

Over the past few days, a number of people have shared that they've been encouraged or inspired by reading this blog. I'm grateful for your comments, but I want to make sure that I mention from time to time that I'm sharing my thoughts and my struggles, not to mention my victories, simply as a chronicle of my journey. I'm a broken vessel, being mended by a Potter whose hands are more delicate, more loving, and more wise than mine could ever be. He is doing a healing work in my life.

I continue to remind myself of His healing, especially in the days when I struggle most. When fears assail, doubts come along, and I'm tempted to doubt that I'll ever come out on the "other side", wherever that is, I have to cling to His promises that He is working all things together for my good. Where is the good in panic and anxiety? I suppose it's in drawing closer to HIM and depending on HIM to lead, guide and direct my path. Dropping long-held defense mechanisms is painful, and it feels at times like I'm being wrung out like a dishrag, but this is all part of His healing process in my life. For that, I must give Him praise.

Have you heard the Casting Crowns song, "Praise You in the Storm"? It talks about how the writer was sure by this point in time that God would have reached down, dried our tears, saved the day and let all the hurt end. But, He hasn't. During the storms of life, when we're struggling, THOSE are the times when it's hardest to raise our hands and praise the work that He's doing. He IS who He is, no matter where I am. Scripture and the song says He holds our tears in a bottle...I'm thinking by now mine might just be a five gallon barrel! But, ultimately, the writer ends with the line, "You've never let me down, and though my heart is torn, I'll praise You in this storm."

Well, friends, I have to tell you. There are times I just don't WANT to praise Him when life feels yucky, when I'm stressed out, when someone has said something mean or cut me down, or when the Tar Heels lose, or my oven catches on fire, or my floor is so water damaged you can scoop out the floorboards with a spoon, and especially when I'm driving home in the middle of the worst panic attack I've had in 15 years. BUT, those are the exact moments in time where I should praise Him. I believe that HE knows the plans He has for me, and that they are for GOOD, to give me HOPE and a FUTURE. So, Abba Father, Daddy, I'll praise you in this storm.

Celebrating Grace in the Journey,
Kara

The Shack

Hello Friends!

After two conversations at church yesterday, I'm more convinced than ever that I want to share a treasure I found recently. It's an amazing work of "fiction" called The Shack, written by William P. Young.

I don't want to ruin the plot for you, so I won't tell you anything about the story that drives the book, but what I will share is that if you want to encounter God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in a way you never have, this is a book you can't afford to pass by.

It has received rave reviews from pastors, Christian artists, and millions of devoted fans. It began as a very small project that has now spread across the country. I first heard of it on a blog that Mark Lowry writes. It sounded like a good read, and so I grabbed a copy on Amazon. I received the book the day after I had that first huge panic attack a few weeks ago, and when I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. I think that God used the words and this writer to speak to my heart and my spirit. It is truly an amazing book.

If you question your faith, if you struggle with anger, forgiveness, fear, sin, your relationships with others, and your relationship with God, you will find answers in The Shack. You will find grace, and you will find healing.

I mentioned this book to Naseem a few weeks ago and told her I'd give her a copy. (After reading it, I've since ordered 10 copies...let me know if you want one!) She came up to me yesterday and was so excited! Susan Craig had given her a copy and she couldn't put it down! She's since bought several copies, as has Susan! Later in the morning, Susan came by to say that she didn't want to finish the book, because it was so good, and when she finished it, there wouldn't be anymore to read!! So, all the excitement to share my review of The Shack....get a copy!! (Kinda like you need to take Life Skills...you NEED to read this book!)

If you read The Shack, post your comments here and let me know what you think! I'm thinking we could have a book club and coffee meeting one morning at Crossroads to discuss it!! That would be so cool!

Enjoy your reading,

Kara

OhMyGoodness!!

Hello Everyone!

Well, after yesterday's post, today's may seem like a polar opposite! What a GREAT day!! I just wanted to say that I think today was hand picked just for me!

Now, as you know, I've got 2 prescriptions that I can take, so I popped my pills early this morning before going into church. The drive over was wonderful. I had a lot to get done before being able to attend service, one of them being making copies of some fliers for Kidz Blitz LIVE. I was walking down the hall, and I heard it....the voice! I peeked into the worship center, and Brooke was there! What an AWESOME start to the day!! I got to see a friend that I miss, and she was singing!! yayyy!!

Then, I went into the worship center and stayed for the entire service! For those of you who may not know, that's an accomplishment that hasn't happened many times this past year. I just haven't felt comfortable in there for some reason. But I honestly believe that God gave Lowell the words to share purely for me. Now, I'm not naive enough to think I'm the only broken person in the 1500 that attend Crossroads, but I am just grateful enough to know that God intended to minister to me in a uniquely personal way today, and He did that through Brooke's song and Lowell's words. (And wasn't Josh's painting just inspiring??)

After leaving the service, the rest of the morning, work-wise, went great! I had a lot of folks asking about the ankle....it's much better now. Thanks for your prayers. We had some great worship in Kidz Blitz, and I got a chance to play with a few babies in the nursery which I love. It was altogether a great day, and was capped off with a great ride home! I couldn't have asked for better.

I commented to mom that I just can't get over how "normal" I feel with the medications in me. I guess it's something to praise God for that He allows advancements in science and research so that we are able to have medications that can aid in our healing and restoration.

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy. For though I have fallen, I AM rising!!"

Celebrating Grace in the Journey,
Kara

Why?

Hello Friends,
Are you ever tempted to ask "why"? Why does this happen? Why did that not happen? Why do I do this? Why don't I do that? I sure do. I guess it's human nature to question why things happen the way they do, and that's where I find myself this morning. Wondering why....

*Why am I suddenly experiencing fear as a real part of my life once more?
*Why am I so scared of driving when that never was part of the experience before?
*Why do I want to just "cave in" at times instead of fighting for my ultimate healing and freedom?
*Why do I dread the thought of going anywhere...when it used to be so simple that I wouldn't give it a second thought? I'd just get up, leave the house and go.
*Why do I feel like such a burden to my parents?
*Why is it taking so long for these meds to get in my system, and why do they make me want to sleep all the time?
*Why do I feel such shame in admitting when I'm having a bad day?
*Why do I have such a hard time believing you guys are actually reading any of this?
*Why?
*Why?
*Why?

I guess I don't have any answers to the questions, so I'm going to just do what Teresa suggests...I'm not going to judge it. It's just where I am at the moment, so I'll admit it and just "be".

I am going to encourage myself (and you as well if you ever struggle with the "whys" in your life) with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs ever. I guess I just never thought it applied to me. Boy, how the circumstances of life can force you to reexamine your thoughts!!

WHY:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why
And Lord I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun I wanna know why
Why When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery I want to know why
And though down here I may not understand
I won’t let go Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that your trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questions Now and then
Even if you wonder Why?

Holding on to that Unseen Hand,
Kara

Grab Your Kleenex

What would your cardboard testimony be?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

Happy 4th!!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Two Tales of the Morning

Part B:

So, as you can tell, I dabble a bit in "fiction". Actually, Part A was what came to mind during my devotion time this morning. God calls each of us into a divine dance with Him as our partner. He sees each of us as more than worthy, as the beautiful (or handsome) creatures He designed us to be. The weights of the world, our sins, our self-esteem issues, our angers and jealousies, etc. only serve to mask the beauty that is intrinsically ours. Who doesn't look at the vision of "beauty" that Hollywood and Madison Avenue sells us and feel like we could never live up to that? I guess the truth is that we don't! But, in His love and mercy, God never intends for us to try!! What a lesson I could learn from!!

So, Part A was a beautiful vision that the Lord showed me this morning as I was in my devotion time with Him. I was listening to some peaceful instrumental music and enjoying my quiet time with him. I closed my eyes and began to see the dance. What I posted earlier just flowed from my pen. A great start to the day.

Fast forward about an hour later, and I'm driving in to the church. I've taken my first dosage of my "every day med" as well as 1/2 of my other med. I made it to the church ok, albeit just a bit nervous. I got upstairs on my ankle really quite well, walked into the office and sat down, ready to work. Except for one small thing....my laptop died!! It boots up, but there's no picture on the screen. I did everything I knew to do, called our tech support (God bless Sam), and there was nothing to be done. Zeeesh.

Maybe that set into motion the next 30 minutes or so, but I think my brain (not to mention my nerves) didn't handle that well. I'm guessing that in my head, I went to "SuperPerformerKaraPerson" and starting saying to myself, "I'll never get done what I need to. That means I can't work here. Everyone is going to be so disappointed. I'm a failure at everything I try, and I guess they'll just fire me." blah blah blah....Ummm for those of you who have taken LifeSkills (and if you haven't, let me remind you that you should), you'll recognize that as negative self-talk, laced with Life Commandments, topped off with a huge helping of Shame.

I was supposed to meet with Jennifer, and I found her in the main office, told her I was having a bad day and needed to leave, not to mention the fact that my computer had crashed. It was SO hard telling her that. She's my new boss, at least for the time being, and I want so much to please her, to show her I'm good at what I do, that I'm a hard worker, and that I'm at least competent, but that I just need some time and understanding to know that this isn't going to be an overnight healing thing. It's a process and it just will take some time.

I broke down and went to sit in a classroom and cry. I called my physical on Earth life-line, my mom, and told her what was going on. After getting some of it out, I guess that really helped. I was able to go finish a few things I was working on. Jeff called shortly after that, and I started crying again. There's just something about me having to admit my weaknesses that brings me to tears. I WANT to have it all together. I WANT to be ok and not be a bother to anyone, but right now, I'm NOT all together and I DO need the help of others. He talked with me and helped me calm down again. I sat down and began to journal. Bless his heart, he came to the church within about 10 minutes and just hugged me and talked with me.

After that, Jennifer walked back to the office and we were able to have our meeting, walk the halls of the classrooms, and I completed what I was there to do. Maybe I just need to buy stock in Kleenex and let it out when I need to, even if it's while at work!!

I haven't asked in a while, so I'll just encourage each of you that read this from time to time to keep me in your prayers. I appreciate you following me on this journey more than yo could possibly know.

Blessings in Abundance,
Kara

Two Tales of the Morning....

Part A:

I haven't seen the princess yet. I still see the rags and the "ugly"...I dream of the dance, the ball, the beautiful ladies and the elegantly attired men, the gown, the jewels and the handsome prince. I hear the music. I hear His invitation, His call, to dance, and I feel Him leading me to the floor.

The ecstasy of complete harmony and union with Him as we slowly move to the music. His lead, and I gently follow and trust His timing and perfect rhythm. Such grace and majesty. All eyes are on us, but His are the only ones I see as I gaze into something I've never known before...pure love. They glisten and gleam with a twinkle somewhat like Santa's... perhaps it's a "knowing" of what is yet to come. Perhaps it's an awareness of a "cinder-ella" opening to more than she's ever known before. The music swells in a crescendo of harmonies and melodies that rival the heavenly angels. Then again, maybe just this once, the music is that of the angels?

Without her being aware, He leads me to a large gilded wall that is covered in a dark blue velvet draping with large golden cording and tassels. An attendant pulls back the drapes to reveal the largest mirror I've ever seen. (I think to myself, "mirror mirror on the wall, I'm the ugliest of all".) He stands behind me, both hands on my shoulders and says, "Look at my beautiful princess. See her precious face, behold her deep blue eyes, her lovely frame, her beautiful smile. Isn't she amazing?"

I look into the mirror, only to see tattered and filthy rags hanging from an altogether too large of a broken body. Years of self-hatred staring back at me. I turn away, but He gently places His hand on my face and guides it back to looking straight ahead at the dreaded mirror, reflecting back all the "ugly" that I know to be true. "Isn't she just magnificent? I love her so much! So much that I wear these scars so that she doesn't have to."

I can't look at myself, so I stare into His reflection in the mirror. He is adoring me, as if He's appreciating the workmanship of His own hands. "I know you don't see her yet, the beautiful princes I've created. I know you see the scars of sin and the pains inflicted by others, but you will see her. You just need to trust me to help you see her."

He gently lets go of my shoulders and begins to walk back to the center of the ballroom....He reaches His hand out to me and asks, "Princess Kara, may I have another dance?"

I Just HAD to Share This!

Talk about amazing timing! In my last post, I mentioned the Beth Moore devotional and how God uniquely times things for us to recognize and use in our lives. After closing this blog, I opened my work email and had this email from John & Lisa Bevere, a husband and wife team of pastors and writers whom I love! I'm just copying this directly from their email. I hope it blesses you as it did me!! Love y'all bunches!!

"Lately, God has been revealing to me the importance of knowing and embracing each season of our lives. When we seek God diligently, He will always give us a glimpse of where He wants to take us. In our mind, we see our future and we plan our steps accordingly. It is similar to crossing a room. We see where we need to go, and we take the quickest and easiest path to reach our goal. But God has a different idea in mind.

David is a great example of this. It was prophesied that he would be the next king. He was then taken into the King’s Palace, made the armor bearer, but then attacks came from every direction. He spent years in the wilderness dodging Saul’s army. Or what about Joseph? The Lord spoke that he would be a great leader. His father, mother, and brothers would even serve him,… but then he found himself spending the next seventeen years going from a pit, to slavery, to a dungeon.

Why does God take us through these wildernesses when it would be easier for us to walk straight into our Destiny? Because it is in the wildernesses, the trials and the crucibles, that we gain the character needed to correctly steward the call of God on our lives. These trials are not God’s judgment, but rather preparation for our future!

Lisa and I love you and encourage you to stay the course to fulfill your destiny!"

Without Further Ado....

It's update time!!


When last I left off, I was getting ready to head to Teresa's for my session. It went quite well...there's such a sense of peace and healing, well-being I suppose, when you enter her office. It's a blessing to be there, even in the midst of being a bit nervous about what's to come.


She encouraged me to change my vocabaulary over the next week, and instead of saying "I", to say "we". For instance, instead of asking "What am I going to wear today?", she suggests saying, "What are WE going to wear today?" Now that may seem a bit odd at the beginning, but if you think about it, the Holy Spirit resides inside believers. He literally lives inside of me, so there really isn't a "me", but a "we". So, we are going to update you through the blog about the past 2 days!


In my devotion this morning, Beth Moore's 90 Days with Jesus, she asks this question..."What is satan perhaps using in your life right now to stop your 'going' and to bottle up your peace?" Coincidence? I think not! Isn't God sweet the way He uses every little thing in our lives? Teresa mentioned that He doesn't waste a single thing in this life, and I think (WE think), she's absolutely right! Think about that question in your own life....is there an area that you feel is being held back from God? Let it go!! Don't let satan and his stupid assignments steal your peace! It's a lesson I'm trying to learn.


Another Teresa thing: she positively laughed when she saw my sprained ankle. I told her about the hard work we've done the past week, the blog, sharing the story with all of you, etc. She just laughed and said that God had impressed on her "she can't run until she can walk. Tell her to slow down and rest and just trust Me and My timing." Oh what a lesson I need to learn! I want to run out ahead of Him and His timing. I want to go at life, work, love, friends, everything at 110%....the performance trap if ever anyone's ever been in it! But, it seems that if God can't get my attention to gently slow me down, He'll just throw a hole in my way during a football game!! Siggghhhh........praise You Father.


One thing I didn't expect from Teresa was a comment she made that she sensed a very great and deep capacity for peace and the experience of peace in my life. I had to ask her to say that again, because that's NOT my experience of my life! My brain is constantly spinning in a million different directions. I rehearse conversations before they happen. I plan out my day before it starts. I can be praying, and I'll find myself planning the next 10 things I need to do. "A great and deep capacity for peace and the experience of peace in my life." I'm holding on to that one, and praying for it to become a reality, a daily encounter, in my life!!


I went to the medical doctor on Tuesday to ask for a prescription to help level my anxiety and help me find some balance. I was fortunate to see a new doctor to me, but one my parents know well, Dr. Charles Rhodes @ Mount Pleasant Family. I walked out with 2 different meds. One, I'll take a few times each day to bring the balance and control. The other is for an immediate need, basically if I feel one coming on immediately. He wanted to check my thyroid levels, because apparently, new research is showing a connection between women's cycles and the triggering of panic and anxiety. Drawing blood...what an experience. Took so many pricks to get a vein in my hand....eeesh!! Got the results today, and my old thyroid is still operating properly. I guess the hormones are doing ok! Thank You God.

So Wednesday was Arc camp at Crossroads, and it was a BLAST! If you've never given of your time to people who have developmental disabilities, I would really encourage you to give it a try. I used to work for The Arc before working at Crossroads, and I LOVE those guys! I was wheeling around in the wheelchair at the church, and many of the campers remembered I was doing the exact same thing last year at camp!!

I got a chance to meet Mike Fongemy today, the new campus pastor at Kannapolis. He's great! Kannapolis will continue to grow and thrive with Mike and his family on board.

Well folks, I think that's about it for now. I'll leave you with one comment from a friend at the Register of Deeds office...."You can't go uphill with downhill thinking." That'll preach, ya'll!!!

Giving myself grace on the journey,
Kara