Part B:
So, as you can tell, I dabble a bit in "fiction". Actually, Part A was what came to mind during my devotion time this morning. God calls each of us into a divine dance with Him as our partner. He sees each of us as more than worthy, as the beautiful (or handsome) creatures He designed us to be. The weights of the world, our sins, our self-esteem issues, our angers and jealousies, etc. only serve to mask the beauty that is intrinsically ours. Who doesn't look at the vision of "beauty" that Hollywood and Madison Avenue sells us and feel like we could never live up to that? I guess the truth is that we don't! But, in His love and mercy, God never intends for us to try!! What a lesson I could learn from!!
So, Part A was a beautiful vision that the Lord showed me this morning as I was in my devotion time with Him. I was listening to some peaceful instrumental music and enjoying my quiet time with him. I closed my eyes and began to see the dance. What I posted earlier just flowed from my pen. A great start to the day.
Fast forward about an hour later, and I'm driving in to the church. I've taken my first dosage of my "every day med" as well as 1/2 of my other med. I made it to the church ok, albeit just a bit nervous. I got upstairs on my ankle really quite well, walked into the office and sat down, ready to work. Except for one small thing....my laptop died!! It boots up, but there's no picture on the screen. I did everything I knew to do, called our tech support (God bless Sam), and there was nothing to be done. Zeeesh.
Maybe that set into motion the next 30 minutes or so, but I think my brain (not to mention my nerves) didn't handle that well. I'm guessing that in my head, I went to "SuperPerformerKaraPerson" and starting saying to myself, "I'll never get done what I need to. That means I can't work here. Everyone is going to be so disappointed. I'm a failure at everything I try, and I guess they'll just fire me." blah blah blah....Ummm for those of you who have taken LifeSkills (and if you haven't, let me remind you that you should), you'll recognize that as negative self-talk, laced with Life Commandments, topped off with a huge helping of Shame.
I was supposed to meet with Jennifer, and I found her in the main office, told her I was having a bad day and needed to leave, not to mention the fact that my computer had crashed. It was SO hard telling her that. She's my new boss, at least for the time being, and I want so much to please her, to show her I'm good at what I do, that I'm a hard worker, and that I'm at least competent, but that I just need some time and understanding to know that this isn't going to be an overnight healing thing. It's a process and it just will take some time.
I broke down and went to sit in a classroom and cry. I called my physical on Earth life-line, my mom, and told her what was going on. After getting some of it out, I guess that really helped. I was able to go finish a few things I was working on. Jeff called shortly after that, and I started crying again. There's just something about me having to admit my weaknesses that brings me to tears. I WANT to have it all together. I WANT to be ok and not be a bother to anyone, but right now, I'm NOT all together and I DO need the help of others. He talked with me and helped me calm down again. I sat down and began to journal. Bless his heart, he came to the church within about 10 minutes and just hugged me and talked with me.
After that, Jennifer walked back to the office and we were able to have our meeting, walk the halls of the classrooms, and I completed what I was there to do. Maybe I just need to buy stock in Kleenex and let it out when I need to, even if it's while at work!!
I haven't asked in a while, so I'll just encourage each of you that read this from time to time to keep me in your prayers. I appreciate you following me on this journey more than yo could possibly know.
Blessings in Abundance,
Kara
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