Walk a Mile

Hello Friends,

They say, whoever "they" are, that to really understand someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. I understand that sentiment, but I wonder why ANYone would want to walk a mile in the shoes I've worn. There's a lot about me that most people who know me have no idea about. I bet that's probably the case for a lot of people, isn't it?

My story is not unlike that of millions of other young girls and women who are the survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I don't believe that it does anyone any good to share the details, as the people who are involved are still alive and live in the Concord area. I do wish to let readers know that it was not at the hands of any family member. I don't wish to cause anyone any undue harm or to make them revisit any pain, so I have chosen not to share the details here.

Suffice it to say that sometime in my childhood (I'm pretty sure around 10/11), I was introduced to what God designed to be a beautiful gift to husbands and wives (that'd be sex) in a way that no young child ever should be. Yes, I'm a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but it's taken many, many years to label and accept it.

I suppose I never forgot what happened, but as I've learned through LifeSkills (YOU should really take LS, really you should!), a child doesn't have the mental development to process what is happening to herself, so I began to shut down. I didn't tell anyone, even though I knew what had happened was wrong. I was far too much like me, even at that early age, and I was worried about what everyone else would think of me. Would it hurt my parents too much if I told them? Would they think it was my fault? Didn't it just mean I was a bad person? I'm sure a million other questions went thru my mind back then.

In hindsight I just did what many others do, I stuffed it all. I stuffed the truth, I stuffed the pain, I stuffed the emotions, I stuffed the questions, and I began to stuff potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream...anything that could provide comfort from the pain. I know now that when we stuff our emotions and we stuff our "truth", we begin to live a lie. It was very effective in helping me cope, I must say. If you ever want to keep boys and men away from you, trust me, pack on a lot of weight...it's REALLY effective! It's sad, in retrospect, don't you think, that this was my way of coping? Ahhhh, the pains and the thoughts of a child/teenager/young woman.

I immediately switched my mind to become a perfectionistic, grade-obsessed school nut. I took on a Life Commandment (You'll learn about those in Life Skills...again, you really need it!), that girls either get beauty or brains, and I KNEW which I didn't have, so I'd better get myself going in school. Instead of having much of a social life, I became a great student, and I would rather have had the respect and admiration of my teachers than my peers. I graduated high school with honors, but allowed fear to make the one decision I probably most regret in my life.

I dreamed of attending UNC (Go Heels!) all my life. I wanted to be an attorney, or a writer or a teacher, maybe even a history professor. I always loved politics, so I even thought about working on Capitol Hill for a Kennedy. (Ok, yes, I'm a Democrat....hang with me here!) But, I was afraid of failure, and was scared to death of being rejected (rejection...another thing you'll learn about in Life Skills....have I mentioned, you need it?), so I did the dumbest thing I've probably ever consciously done. I didn't even apply. Arrrggghhhh.....for someone with a great GPA and SAT scores, I was really a dummy!!

I went to UNCC, and embarked on a double major History & Political Science degree track. I loved it! My Freshman year was a 4.0 in both semesters, and I took several summer school classes. I was lovin' it!! I wish I'd know how short-lived and loved those months would be at UNCC.

My Sophomore year was in the fall of 1990, and that's when life as I knew it crumbled. I'm gonna stop here, and I'll post more later, but I don't want to just glut you with my life. My story unfolds like an onion, so I'll share more soon.

Keep praying!!
Kara