To Med or Not To Med...Not Much of a Question!

Hi Everyone,

Well, confession time: today has not started out as a good day. I'm sitting in my music room where I do a lot of my praying, meditating and studying. I'm looking at the picture of Jesus with the crown on his head, holding a shepherd's staff, cradling a hurt lamb, and it just makes me want to cry. (Ok, I am crying.)

I've called my doctor to see if he can get me on a prescription of some sort to help me get thru the day to day, but truth be told, I'm mad. I'm angry that this is happening again. That I'm struggling to just get thru day to day stuff. That driving to church is so scary. That I'm afraid of traffic and being stuck in a traffic jam. That I feel like I'm stuck in a stinkin' rut that I don't know how to get out of. I'm ticked off!

I promised to be real here, so here goes: I want to know why! I want to know why I'm having to deal with all this again, why it hurts so much, and why I would just rather stay in my house and watch the garden grow in my neighbor's yard. I never wanted the life that I have now. I wanted to be married and have children and stay at home and cook and clean and be a wife and a mother, and I have none of that. So now not only am I dealing with a life I never wanted in the first place, but I have all these fears that are welling up inside that are keeping me from doing the life I DO have! What's that about??

Here's where I reach out to you, my friends and fellow sojourners. Have you had a time in your life where you've had to reconcile your dreams and what you wanted in your life to what you have now? What if it's not all that you dreamed of? How do you surrender your dreams and your wishes for your life when you're not getting what you wanted?

Over the weekend, I shared the story of my abuse with my father, the last big hurdle to everyone knowing about what's happened in my life. He was understandably hurt and teared up, but he listened well, hugged me in the end, told me he loved me and that it wasn't my fault. That was a great moment. I love him so so much, and I am so blessed to have him as my dad. I can't imagine making it without my mom, either. I'm grateful for them.

I promised it would be real, and today hasn't started off well. Thanks for listening to my rant. I love each of you who are taking time in your days/evenings to read and pray. It means more than you'll ever know.

Trying to find that grace along the journey,
Kara