A Little Confused Lately

Hi Everyone,

I guess you've noticed that I haven't posted much of anything the past week. The truth is, I've been conflicted over whether I should continue this blog. After two recent discussions, I've been cautioned to be careful about what I post here, how honest I should be, who I should allow to read it, how authentic I should be in here, whether I should post people's names, if I should mention church and work, who the "safe people" are that I can trust with reading this, and the fact that, sometimes, our truthfulness and authenticity can come back and bite us in the proverbial behind.

I share all of that, because I know several of you have asked when I would be posting something new. I guess the answer to that is today, and if you'll allow me, I'm just going to talk to myself a bit in this post. I'd appreciate and encourage your responses. You can comment here or email me...you have the address. If you don't post a note here, and I'll send it to you.

I began this blog with the intent that I could share with the people I chose to read it how I was doing as I tried to learn, once again, how to deal with panic and anxiety. I thought it would become somewhat of a "Chronicles of Kara" as I walked this journey. When I was in college and had panic attacks, I basically learned how to medicate and survive. I stopped doing things that "normal" people would do. (I never drove on 85 until a couple times last year...that's almost 20 years of not driving on the interstate.)

If I'm being 100% honest, and I promised to do so here, I really limited my life and went into "survival mode". I graduated college, went to work, fell in love, had my heart broken and served up on a platter, decided to never trust again, moved to another job, made the decision to leave my home church and go to Crossroads, started working alongside Tim (ok, maybe I shouldn't have posted his name, I'll have to watch that!), started my internship at the church, and began working there, met a lot of wonderful new friends, lost some of them in ways that have been painful, rediscovered a friendship that's now become more. In reading all that, you can add in ran some successful political campaigns, worked for non-profit agencies and catered weddings. Gosh, so many things the past 16 years or so....that LOOKS like living, right? Sure sounded busy enough!!

But I guess, and the first conversation of last week that I had confirmed this, I never really was living....I think it was merely existence, surviving, and if I believe ANYthing of what the Bible says, God doesn't want His kids to merely survive. He wants us to LIVE. Jesus died on a cross for me to give me life to the fullest, and what I've chosen to do with my life is FAR for the "fullest".

You all know me, so this isn't a shock, other than for the pure honesty: I've damaged the vessel that I've been given on this journey. I've been entrusted with a body to use to serve and honor God--Scripture tells us it's the very temple of the Holy Spirit--and I've not been a very good steward of this vessel. I share this to be totally authentic with myself....anyone who looks at me can tell that it's the truth. I'm just choosing to own up to my own poor stewardship. If something that's been shrouded in darkness and lies is brought into the light, it can't have power over me. In Lifeskills, one of the most profound statements I heard Paul Heggstrom make is that adults who were wounded in childhood can have a tendency to ignore or not want to know the truth about their bodies. In effect, they'll ignore symptoms of a major illness and not get treated because they're afraid of knowing the truth. Well, that's been me for a VERY long time. Today, however, I'm choosing to take control of my vessel. Hmmm, well maybe not control, but I'm choosing to be a better steward of that vessel....Note to self: "Kara, God's in control!" None of you will probably realize to what extent this is meant, but I do, so like I said, today's posting is for me!!

If you want to know a medical update on the panic/anxiety, here goes: I've reduced my medication that I'm taking each day to only 2 pills a day, and I've had no dizzy spells lately. (Up until one around lunchtime yesterday, but that's a different story, and since I'm still not sure about posting things about church/work, I'll just leave it at that.) I have another appointment with my doctor in a few weeks, so we'll be taking a look at some other things (refer to paragraph above).

Counselling is going well. The Lord has shown me so many lies I've bought into over the course of my life, basically all centering around my worth as a person and as the daughter of the King. (To the person who helped me see a few of those things last week via email, thank you so much! See...I didn't mention your name!! :--)) One of the things I learned last week is that, those of us who experience tremendous heartaches and feel as if we've had the very life jerked out of us when we experience loss of relationships, we have a TREMENDOUS capacity for love. We feel it deeper than others. We experience it greater than others. We lavish in it and enjoy it in a way that many others cannot.

The flip side of that, of course, is that when we lose it, we grieve it much more deeply than others will. This is where I am....caught in a web of un-grieved losses. I won't name names here, but those of you who are close to me and have walked with me over the past 8 years or so, are well aware of a tremendously heartbreaking loss and betrayal I experienced in a relationship. I thought I'd gotten over it, but the truth is that I just masked over the pain, pulled myself up by my big girl undies, (& ya'll know me, so you know they're big!) and moved on....."I'm doing just fine, thank you very much!" Several of my dearest friends the past few years have been from Crossroads, and I've lost them as well, and I haven't even begun to think about losing the people you confide in, share your secrets with, dream with, cry with, and grow in Christ with. Last year, mom was diagnosed with cancer, and I cried one time, the night she told me. I couldn't begin to think about losing her or my dad....I'm crying now just typing!! That treatment ended at the end of the year last year. The beginning of this year promised to be so much better, and we were all so grateful to God that she was healed. Just a few weeks later, it was announced that my friend and colleague (he always hated the word boss or director and never, ever used it in front of me) in Kids1st was leaving at the end of February. So, as you can see, I've allowed so much unresolved grief to build up, and I haven't processed any of it at all.....

When I first was diagnosed with panic/anxiety back in 1999, the first psychologist I ever saw equated panic to a wine bottle. (For those of you who don't drink, sorry for the analogy!) He said it's like the cork on the bottle, and the inside pressures just build and build and build. Finally, there's nothing else for the cork to do but explode, and that's where you have panic attacks. Not dealing with the losses in our lives, masking over them and pretending everything's ok is absolutely the same thing. I guess my cork just up and popped a month or so ago!!

I do want to share one insight that I gained over the weekend in some quiet time. I may have been reading, but it occurred to me that God wanted to get my attention, and He'd been gently tapping on my shoulder asking me to come away with Him to a quiet place so I could learn and spend some time listening to Him. Apparently, I didn't do that, so He needed to take a bit more drastic measures. Earlier in the year, I had a bout with a lot of sickness that just wouldn't go away. I had a stomach flu, then the flu flu, then a bad cold, and finally, I was so run down, I had to take a week off and just lay in bed doing nothing. Even that didn't really work, so I suppose He turned to the method that would get my attention like no other. I PROMISE each of you, the second I had that panic attack, HE HAD MY ATTENTION!! Truth is, I haven't had another one since then, but I've allowed fear to come back into my life. What I'm battling and waging war against is allowing the "fear thoughts" to enter my head without combatting them with corresponding truths--Scriptures that encourage me to claim my rightful place alongside Jesus. I'm a victor not a victim. I know that ALL things work together for my good. I know that God is up to something holy...He has a plan for my life. He is my strong tower, I can run to Him and I'll be safe. There are SO many promises I can claim, and the best part of it all is that each day, each circumstance, each minute, is all part of my healing process! I'm CLAIMING HEALING AND FREEDOM!!


Well, friends, my fingers are tired, and if you've hung in here this long, your eyes are probably tired. I'm still not sure I have answers about continuing these postings, but keep checking back, I won't end without letting you know. Again, if you have ideas, comments or thoughts, post them here or shoot me an email.

Love and blessings along the journey,
Kara