How I want to post every single day and tell you, "what a great day it's been"! I wish that I could share with you that every single step is a step forward and that fear is defeated and that I'm just great. Unfortunately, friends, I cannot do that today. I'm having a very difficult start to the morning, but it's really a hold over from a rough late afternoon and evening.
I'm not sure exactly what it is. It could be dealing with a new medication in my body that my system's not used to. I have one medication that I am supposed to gradually introduce, so yesterday marked the 2nd week of taking it; therefore, I needed to up the dosage. Shortly after taking a pill for the first time in the afternoon, I was extremely dizzy, even while lying down. I shrugged it off, but thought it was a bit odd. Later in the evening, I was that way a few more times, with one time around 8:30 taking my breath away for a second. I had to grab hold of the bed to stop spinning!
The truth is, if I'm 100% honest as I've promised to be in this blog, I get really scared when I don't feel good. My first panic attack, back when I was in college, happened on a trip home from the beach. I was asleep in the back seat of the car, got overheated, and had an extremely upset stomach. We tried for miles to find somewhere to stop so I could get to a bathroom, and finally found a road side gas station....not a pretty picture. I was in the bathroom, passed out because I was so sick and it was so hot in there, sprained two ankles (bet that sounds familiar, huh?), and was sick the whole trip home. Flash forward to one month ago, and I was on the road home, feeling sick with an upset stomach, and the "big one" happened.
Last night, with the room spinning and my stomach in knots, I did what I always do. I called home for help. I spent the night at my parents' house, and saw more of the bathroom than I did the rest of the house. In between the trips to the bathroom, I cried and cried, worrying about getting to work on Thursday, because I was supposed to be in a staff meeting.
Here's the problem, dear readers. I now feel as if I can't trust my body and I certainly can't trust how I feel. If any other person had been up several times with an upset stomach and dizzyness, they probably wouldn't think a thing about calling in sick or taking the morning off, working from home if they could, etc. For me, now I can't tell if I really am just dealing with the side effects of the meds, some bad chicken I ate last night, fear, or a combination of all the above. I feel as if I don't know where to turn.
I'm in a "kicking Kara" mode at the moment, and I wish I could stop! I sat at my parents' house and just cried in frustration. What do I do when I feel like I can't move forward? How can I accept steps backward and not beat myself up for them? What do I do when I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down? What do I tell myself? I feel like a baby. I feel like a failure....I can just hear Tammy Cozad saying, "Hmmmm....sound like some negative self talk?" (Yes, Tammy, it is.)
So, I don't have any answers at the moment, and I certainly don't have anything encouraging or positive to share today. For those of you who are reading, please consider saying a prayer on my behalf. It's truly the only thing that can help.
In the midst of the healing,
Kara
3 comments:
Hey Kara,
I am so proud of you for sharing and being an authentic vessel....by your faithful example, others will be encouraged with their own walks--pressing onward and upward or even be more understanding to others around them!! Just know its not in VAIN...God bless you and know I am praying for you girl and know you will get through this---cause GOD is who HE says HE is....and YOU trust in that. You have the most incredible team around you to offer support!!! Blessings!! :) Miss you much! Laura O.
Dear Kara,
I had know idea that you were going through so much.
Having been down a simular road I understand what its like when your feeling great and then anxiety pokes its head up. It truly is hard to explain unless you have been there.
I have been healed from this and I pray that the annointing falls upon you cleansing you from all of this anguish. I have been healed from all of this for 9 years now.
One of the hardest life changing things I did to help me was to swallow my pride and what others think of me and make drastic changes concerning my life.I changed my friends, career, the way I thought and more. I went back to school, this was scary. I will never forget it but I would do it again. The Lord taught me alot.
Change can be a positive thing. I had to focus on the fact that I was yoked with the Lord.
I would somtimes chant to the Lord positive sayings or scripture to get me through the tourment. Closing my eyes imagining Jesus holding my hand and keeping me stable.
You are strong woman of faith with a huge heart! I pray for wisdom and revelation on your situation. I ask that the doctors help you and not hinder you. May they use the wisdom that God gives them to help and that there will be no side effects. That this is temperary and you will be whole.
You can press on, You can accomplish, You will not give excuses but stand firm in what your doing, You are worthy and you are not overwhelmed. You are not and never will be alone.
I will continue to pray that you will feel better and you will continue to seek the purpose of the Lord and you will have grace.
Thank you for allowing me to pray for you. I am always around!!
Hugs,
Melissa
You're amazing in the fact that you are honest. I know today was a bad day...tomorrow will be better...if it's not, then the next one will. Small steps ~ little accomplishments! ;-) We love you!
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